september horoscopes
September Horoscopes, or How the Planet Learns to Hold Its Breath Again
Dave’s Locker, International Desk
The ninth month arrives like a polite summons from an accountant: time to tally summer’s sins before the fiscal year of autumn closes the books. Across time zones and tax brackets, roughly eight billion bipeds glance skyward, hoping the constellations will offer either absolution or at least better Wi-Fi. From Lagos to Lima, Berlin to Bangalore, the same question sits in group chats like a drunk uncle nobody wants to acknowledge: “So, what’s September got for us?”
Astrologers, those multilingual cartographers of cosmic gossip, report that Mercury is retrograde for half the month. This means, in every language, “Your flight will be delayed and your ex will text.” Meanwhile, Saturn—planet of unpaid parking tickets—looms in Pisces, suggesting that collective delusions finally receive a stern invoice. In other words, the global mood resembles a Zoom call where half the participants are muted and the other half forgot trousers.
Aries, Leo, Sagittarius (the fire signs)
Stockholm’s Nordic power traders have priced electricity 300 % above last year. Aries, this is your cue to pick a fight with the thermostat. Leo, your dramatic hair-tossing will be captured by heat-sensing drones, so make it count. Sagittarius, you’ll book a last-minute “workation” in Tbilisi, only to discover the Airbnb host is an ex-KGB chess master who insists on nightly rematches. Victory is possible; sleep is not.
Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn (the earth signs)
Beijing’s Evergrande liquidation rumbles on like a badly dubbed soap opera. Taurus, your crypto wallet may feel the aftershock—don’t check it before coffee. Virgo, you’ll alphabetize your apocalypse pantry while lecturing TikTok on sustainable lentils. Capricorn, the International Monetary Fund sends a fruit basket: inside is a single plum and a note—“Please remit.” Fiscal discipline never tasted so ironically sweet.
Gemini, Libra, Aquarius (the air signs)
In Brussels, lobbyists exhale recycled champagne over new AI regulations. Gemini, your witty tweet will be cited in the footnotes by accident, launching a 48-hour news cycle in which you are both hero and cautionary tale. Libra, you’ll attempt diplomatic couples therapy between climate activists and oil executives; bring noise-canceling pearls. Aquarius, a rogue satellite will briefly spell your initials across the ionosphere—fame at 17,000 mph, forgotten by dinner.
Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces (the water signs)
The Nile, the Mekong, and the Colorado all limp below historic lows, making rivers feel like emotionally unavailable parents. Cancer, you’ll cry into an evaporating lake; the fish will still ghost you. Scorpio, your encrypted revenge list gets hacked by a 14-year-old in Montevideo who simply replies “same.” Pisces, you’ll dream of melting glaciers and wake up with a Kickstarter for artisanal ice cubes endorsed by a polar bear influencer. Sponsorship pending.
Global Takeaway
From Davos to Dakar, September is the month when denial runs out of summer dresses. Central banks hike, forests burn, and billionaires test new escape pods. Yet horoscopes persist because humans prefer personalized doom over statistical doom. The stars offer the same comfort as an airport prayer room: dubious acoustics, but at least it’s quiet.
And so, dear reader, whether you hedge currencies or merely hedge your basil plant against early frost, remember: the universe is under no obligation to care, but it does enjoy a good plot twist. Keep your passport updated, your passwords sarcastic, and your expectations lower than sea level in Venice. The cosmos may not send lifeboats, but it will definitely send the bill.
