Macron: The World’s Favorite French Delusion—A Global Decoder Ring
Paris, 2024 – Somewhere between the pâtisserie and the palace, Emmanuel Macron has managed to turn the very idea of political gravity into a flaky, buttery croissant: crisp on the outside, hollow in the middle, yet weirdly irresistible to anyone watching from abroad. To the rest of the planet, “Macron” is no longer just a man with a 24-percent approval rating and a talent for eyebrow-arching press conferences; it has become an international Rorschach test in which every country projects its own neuroses about liberal democracy, late-stage capitalism, and the curious French conviction that civilisation can be saved by the correct vintage of Bordeaux.
Take Berlin. German officials speak of Macron in the hushed tones normally reserved for a rare truffle: expensive, exotic, possibly overhyped, but essential for any serious continental menu. They still need him to keep the euro from treating the Mediterranean like a cheap inflatable pool, yet they also resent having to pretend that French nuclear plants are somehow safer than Russian gas pipelines. The result is a diplomatic pas de deux in which both sides bow, nobody leads, and the orchestra is on strike.
Across the Channel, London has adopted a spectator-sport attitude reminiscent of a divorced couple watching their ex’s new marriage implode on reality TV. British tabloids gleefully tally every gilets jaunes flare-up or pension-reform riot, proof that Brexit was a prescient escape from a burning boulangerie. Meanwhile, discreet City financiers keep funneling euros through Parisian subsidiaries because, well, money has no nationality—only offshore accounts.
In Washington, Macron is treated as the geopolitical equivalent of oat milk: fashionable with the donor class, slightly suspicious to the base, but indispensable when you need someone to speak “Western values” without sounding like an aircraft carrier. The Biden administration loves nothing more than a photo-op where Macron quotes Rousseau between arms deals; it gives American multilateralism the same frisson of culture one gets from putting French subtitles on a Marvel movie.
Beijing, ever practical, has sized up Macron and concluded he is a luxury handbag: overpriced, logo-emblazoned, yet useful for signalling status. During his spring 2023 visit, Xi Jinping reportedly listened politely to lectures on “European strategic autonomy,” then offered discounts on electric vehicles if Europe would kindly stop calling Taiwan a geopolitical flashpoint. The resulting communiqué was so bland it could have been ghost-written by oat milk itself.
The Global South watches this Franco-European psychodrama with the weary amusement of tenants whose landlord is arguing with his interior decorator while the roof leaks. From Dakar to Delhi, leaders note that Macron’s lofty speeches about “climate finance” arrive precisely when French nuclear companies are shopping for new markets. They clap politely, cash the modest development checks, and quietly sign bigger contracts with China—no subtitles required.
And yet, for all the eye-rolling, the world still needs a Macron. Not because he solves crises—Lebanon, Libya, and Ukraine can testify he does not—but because he stages them with enough theatrical flair that other leaders can claim they’re participating in “the conversation.” In an era when most politicians communicate via typo-strewn rage-tweets, Macron’s ability to deliver a 45-minute soliloquy without notes is practically a UNESCO heritage performance. We may not understand what he just said about European sovereignty, but we feel cultured merely listening.
So the next time you see Macron shaking hands with some autocrat beneath a gilded ceiling, remember: you’re not watching diplomacy. You’re watching the last season of a prestige drama that started in 1789, jumped every shark along the Seine, and still managed to get renewed. The plot makes no sense, half the cast has been recast, and the writers are on strike. But the ratings remain inexplicably high—mostly because every other channel is broadcasting actual war.
Bon appétit.
