Spaceballs 2: The Only Sequel Big Enough to Vacuum the Planet’s Remaining Sanity

**THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK… WITH A LAWYER: Why Spaceballs 2 Might Be the Only Sequel the Planet Deserves Right Now**

GENEVA—While the Doomsday Clock ticked another impatient second toward midnight and the Arctic Circle filed for divorce from the rest of the planet, Hollywood insiders confirmed that Mel Brooks has finally green-lit *Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money*. The announcement landed with the subtlety of a flatulent Dark Helmet in an elevator, instantly eclipsing lesser calamities such as sovereign-debt defaults, pending indictments, and that quaint European war everyone agreed to memory-hole after the third season.

Brooks, a sprightly 97, reportedly told investors the sequel will “hold a fun-house mirror up to modern greed,” a statement that caused several hedge-fund managers to short their own reflections. The original 1987 film mocked *Star Wars*, corporate merchandising, and the very studio paying for it—an ouroboros of satire that somehow still turned a profit. Thirty-seven years later, the gag feels less like parody and more like a documentary that’s gotten uncomfortably self-aware.

**INTERNATIONAL RAMIFICATIONS, OR HOW TO LOSE A GALAXY IN 90 MINUTES**

From Brussels to Beijing, bureaucrats fear the geopolitical fallout. NATO planners have already war-gamed a scenario in which President Skroob’s “Mega-Maid” vacuum detaches from the silver screen and begins hoovering up low-Earth-orbit satellites, effectively deleting the global GPS network and every food-delivery app with it. The Pentagon calls it “Spaceballs Derangement Syndrome”; the French simply call it *mardi*.

Meanwhile, China’s National Space Administration worries the film will popularize ludicrous speed, a velocity that violates both the laws of physics and the more flexible laws of Chinese export quotas. Censors have pre-emptively replaced “The Schwartz” with “The Xi,” ensuring audiences understand that mystical energy fields originate exclusively from the Zhongnanhai compound.

**CLIMATE EXTERNALITIES OF A COMEDY FRANCHISE**

Environmental scientists at the IPCC calculate that manufacturing new merchandising—flamethrower dolls, canned Perri-Air, and officially licensed Spaceballs II: The Face Mask—will add 0.3 °C to global temperatures, effectively canceling out Sweden. Greenpeace has responded by chaining itself to a life-size statue of Pizza the Hutt, which promptly ate the activists and filed for carbon credits.

**ECONOMIC STIMULUS OR DEATH STAR BY ANOTHER NAME?**

The World Bank estimates the film could inject $2.7 billion into the world economy, assuming Disney doesn’t sue itself into a singularity first. Analysts predict a bull market for nostalgia, sarcasm, and artificially scarce plastic helmets—commodities already outperforming gold, Bitcoin, and the British pound. On the black market, bootleg VHS copies of the original are being traded for barrels of Brent crude and, in Zimbabwe, actual barrels.

**CULTURAL DIPLOMACY ON LIFE SUPPORT**

UNESCO hopes to leverage *Spaceballs 2* as soft-power outreach. Screening the film in conflict zones, they argue, could unite warring factions in communal eye-rolling. A pilot program in Yemen showed promise until both Houthis and Saudis discovered the other side was also quoting Yogurt’s merchandising mantra; peace talks collapsed over royalty disputes.

**CONCLUSION: IN A WORLD GONE PLAID, SATIRE PUTS ON ITS HELMET BACKWARD**

Humanity, having perfected the art of annihilation without the courtesy of a laugh track, now receives a sequel it never earned but probably needs. *Spaceballs 2* won’t reverse climate collapse, deflate dictators, or refill the Caspian Sea. It will, however, remind a planet hurtling toward absurdity that the only thing more powerful than a fully operational battle station is a well-timed punchline. If that punchline happens to detonate in your Netflix queue while the real world drafts trade sanctions against itself—well, at least the explosion will come with popcorn.

So when the credits roll and the planet-sized vacuum cleaner sucks up our remaining atmosphere, try to savor the irony: we finally found more money. It just happens to be swirling around the drain, right behind our dignity.