The planet’s most durable reality-TV franchise—let’s call it “Make America Gawk Again”—has been renewed for another season, and the season premiere is set in Kyiv. Once again, Donald Trump’s gravitational pull is bending diplomacy into late-night infomercial prose: “Act now, supplies of U.S. security guarantees are limited!” From Berlin to Bangkok, chancelleries that spent four…
Kylian Mbappé, the boy king of a sport that still pretends to be a game, has once again reminded planet Earth that the 21st-century economy runs less on oil than on adolescent thigh muscles and a left foot that can bend space-time. When he announced, via a choreographed yawn on social media, that he would…
Dateline: Somewhere between the last functioning satellite and the next scheduled blackout It took a decade, three pandemics, two recessions, and the collapse of at least one liberal democracy, but Bethesda has finally confirmed that The Elder Scrolls VI is real enough to merit a thirty-second trailer. The announcement, delivered with all the gravitas of…
Noel Fielding and the End of the World as We Know It By Dave’s International Desk, somewhere over the Atlantic, nursing lukewarm coffee and existential dread PARIS—Somewhere between a croissant and a Gauloise, it struck me that Noel Fielding might be the only British export currently outperforming inflation. While sterling stumbles like a drunk tourist…
Jarvis Brownlee: How One Man’s Mid-Season Swap Became a Geopolitical Mood Ring By the time the tweet finally detonated, it was already 3 a.m. in Singapore, lunchtime in Lagos, and the exact moment in London when polite society pretends to be scandalised by things it privately adores. Jarvis Brownlee—cornerback, former Louisville Cardinal, now passport-carrying citizen…
AC Milan and the Global Theatre of Meaningless Glory By Our Man in the Cheap Seats, Somewhere Over the Atlantic Somewhere between a Singaporean crypto-bro’s private jet and a Cairo Uber stuck in Ramses Square, the phrase “AC Milan” still lands like a well-aimed throwback Thursday. It’s not just football; it’s a multi-national coping mechanism,…
Amazon Fresh Stores: The Checkout-Free Crusade to Make Lines Obsolete—And Maybe Humans Too By the time you finish reading this sentence, Amazon Fresh will have opened another store somewhere on the planet, harvested another cartload of behavioral data, and quietly retired another cashier who used to know your ex’s coffee order. The expansion is swift,…
ROME—While nuclear superpowers rehearse their latest Cold-War cosplay on the edges of Europe and Silicon Valley prophets sell us the metaverse nobody asked for, the Coppa Italia has quietly marched on like a Sicilian grandmother who refuses to evacuate during a lava flow. On the surface it’s “only” a domestic knockout tournament, yet from a…
Sevilla vs Villarreal: A Microscopic Civil War in the Age of Streaming and Existential Dread By Diego “the Dispatch” Morales, Dave’s Locker Iberian Bureau (currently hiding in a tapas bar that doubles as a crypto mining rig) The world will not end with a bang or a whimper, but with 22 men in luminous boots…
GLOBAL DISPATCH The DJI Osmo Nano: A Pocket-Sized Panopticon for the Jet-Lagged Masses By Our Man in Departures, Terminal 3, Somewhere Between Jet Fuel and Existential Dread Somewhere over the Sea of Okhotsk—where Russian air-traffic controllers sound like they’re narrating a Tolstoy audiobook and the in-flight Wi-Fi wheezes like a Soviet tractor—a new icon of…
The Maniscalco Doctrine: How One Italian-American’s Hand Gestures Quietly Conquered the Planet By A. B. “Globetrotter” Reznick, filing from a hotel mini-bar somewhere between Palermo and Peoria Sebastian Maniscalco never asked to be a geopolitical force. He merely wanted to tell you how his father wrapped sandwiches in aluminum foil like he was protecting state…
Georgian Goalkeeper Becomes Global Metaphor for a World That Can’t Stop Diving By “World-Weary” Wojciech Nowak, Senior Correspondent, Dave’s Locker It began, as most modern absurdities do, on a phone screen. Somewhere between a TikTok of a cat officiating a wedding and a Ukrainian drone dropping a cigarette into a trench, the planet paused to…
