In the pantheon of American secular religions, few cults are as fervent as Nebraska Cornhuskers football, a spectacle so devout that pilgrims from the steppes of Sarpy County to the soy-lattes of Shanghai tune in to watch unpaid laborers in crimson helmets plow into each other for the greater glory of… well, mostly cable ratings…
Premier League Hall of Fame: A Velvet-Rope Mausoleum for the Planet’s Most Lucrative Circus By our man in the cheap seats, somewhere over the Atlantic Let’s get one thing straight before the brass band starts: the Premier League is not a football competition, it’s a planetary mood-stabiliser. Every weekend from Lagos to Lapland, 3.2 billion…
Ben Simmons, the 6’10” Australian who once looked like the NBA’s future, has become a walking Rorschach test for the globalised age: to some he is wasted genius, to others a cautionary tale of pampered potential, and to a growing slice of the planet he is simply that guy who owes everyone money—psychological, cultural, and…
The Global Pastime Nobody Asked For By Our Man in the Cheap Seats, Somewhere Over the Pacific Baseball, that pastoral hallucination of America’s 19th-century leisure class, has spent the last century smuggling itself across borders like a bored customs officer with a side hustle. What began as an excuse for Union soldiers to avoid Civil…
**The Quiet Danish Exit: How Kasper Hjulmand’s Resignation Became a Global Parable About Failure, Redemption, and the Existential Horror of International Football** COPENHAGEN – In the grand theater of international football, where millionaires chase inflated leather spheres while entire nations perform collective emotional breakdowns in real-time, Kasper Hjulmand’s recent resignation as Denmark’s manager serves as…
Fabio Wardley and the Short, Violent Poetry of Global Distraction By Our Man in the Cheap Seats LONDON—While half the planet argues over whose war crimes are more photogenic and central bankers debate whether to call the next recession “transitory” or merely “fashionably late,” a 29-year-old man from Ipswich has been quietly perfecting the art…
Great North Run Medal: A Global Snapshot in Pewter and Pretension By Our Correspondent, Somewhere Between the Tyne and Terminal 2 Picture it: 60,000 pairs of trainers slapping tarmac from Newcastle to South Shields, a human conveyor belt of charity T-shirts, nipple tape, and existential dread. At the far end waits the Great North Run…
The Cincinnati Reds, a franchise that began life as the Red Stockings when Otto von Bismarck was still young and optimistic, played a baseball game last night. This apparently parochial event in the American Midwest was streamed from Great American Ball Park to 183 countries—one more than currently recognizes Taiwan—proving once again that late capitalism…
The Curious Diplomacy of Dejounte Murray, or How One Mid-Cycle Trade Became a Soft-Power Parable By Alistair “Ali” Bakhtiar, currently in transit somewhere above the Caspian Sea PARIS—On paper it’s just another NBA salary-cap footnote: Dejounte Murray, the league’s resident triple-double whisperer, leaves the Atlanta Hawks for the New Orleans Pelicans in exchange for a…
Tottenham Tickets: The Global Passport to Controlled Chaos By our Special Correspondent for Gladiatorial Commerce It begins, as all modern tragedies do, with a push notification. Somewhere between Jakarta and Johannesburg, a phone vibrates: “General Sale – Spurs v. Bayern – 15:00 BST.” The recipient, a risk-consultant from Singapore who has never set foot in…
Oleksandr Usyk and the Sweet Science of Existential Dread By C. Marlowe, International Correspondent, somewhere over the Black Sea KYIV—When Oleksandr Usyk slipped through the ropes at the King Abdullah Sports City in Jeddah last year to relieve Anthony Joshua of his alphabet soup of belts, the punch he landed on the collective jaw of…
Peter Crouch, the 6-foot-7 walking telegraph pole who once admitted his main talent was “being tall in the right place,” has now been officially rubber-stamped as the global mascot of existential dread. Well, technically he’s the “official mascot” of the 2024–25 UEFA Nations League, but after three viral tweets, two Chinese memes involving inflatable giraffes,…
