Eagles Schedule: The 17-Week American Gladiator Calendar the Rest of the World Pretends Not to Watch By the time the NFL’s 2024 Philadelphia Eagles schedule dropped—on a Thursday night, because nothing says urgency like prime-time marketing—the planet was already busy. Tokyo’s Nikkei had closed up 0.4 % on semiconductor gossip, Berlin’s Bundestag was arguing about…
Crawford vs Canelo: When Two Hemispheres Collide in a Glorified Parking-Lot Behind a Casino in Vegas Dave’s Locker Global Dispatch, 9 May 2024 The boxing world has finally found a way to make the war in Gaza, the collapse of the Yen, and the slow-motion implosion of the Arctic ice shelf feel like quaint side-notes:…
The Roman Empire had bread, circuses, and the occasional crucifixion; the modern United States has 17 weeks of NFL football, $18 nacho helmets, and the moral certainty that anyone who kneels during the anthem must hate freedom. From the outside looking in—say, from a rain-soaked Glasgow pub or a Seoul subway car packed with K-League…
Dispatches from the Midfield of Geopolitics: Lia Wälti, Switzerland’s Accidental Diplomat By Dave’s Locker International Desk Geneva, Switzerland –– Somewhere between the UN’s Palais des Nations and the Wef football stadium in Bern, Lia Wälti has spent the last decade proving that being a defensive midfielder can be more effective than most multilateral summits. While…
The Ballad of Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink: A Post-Colonial Dutchman Kicks His Way Through the End of History By Dave’s Locker International Desk Rotterdam – It is tempting to treat Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink as a mere footnote in the great PowerPoint presentation of modern football: a 90s-vintage striker with a howitzer right boot and a surname…
Terence Crawford and the Quiet Art of Global Violence By A. Serrano, Foreign Correspondent (currently hiding from creditors in a Moldovan airport bar) Omaha, Nebraska—birthplace of TV dinners, Warren Buffett, and now the planet’s most polite destroyer of men. Terence “Bud” Crawford has, in the grand tradition of American exports, taken something provincial (the Midwestern…
PORTLAOISE, Ireland – While the rest of the planet argues over whose apocalypse is scheduled first—climate, debt, or the next smartphone update—three hundred men in pastel slacks have retreated to a sodden island to ritualistically chase a ball and pretend the 21st century isn’t happening. Welcome to the Irish Open, the European Tour’s annual reminder…
Rory McIlroy: The Last Romantic in the Age of Sport-Washing By Our Man in the Rough DUBAI — While the rest of us are busy price-checking canned beans and wondering which hemisphere will ignite first this summer, Rory McIlroy is still out there trying to hit a tiny sphere into a slightly larger hole with…
The NFL schedule release used to be a quaint domestic ritual: a few million Americans arguing on sports-talk radio about whether the Patriots had been given too many prime-time slots. Now, thanks to the league’s tireless evangelism—and the unquenchable global appetite for anything loud enough to drown out the news—the 18-week fixture list is parsed…
Flushing Meadows, Queens — The 2025 US Open begins next week under a sky the color of a bruised credit card, and the planet’s more polite time zones are already bracing for impact. From Tokyo trading desks that will flicker with live betting algorithms to the European Parliament’s cafeteria where aides will pretend to watch…
Bishop Montgomery Football and the Decline of Western Civilization (As Viewed from 30,000 Feet) By the time the private-jet set touched down in Riyadh last week—fresh from Davos, COP 28, and a discreet stop in Davos again for good measure—news of Bishop Montgomery High’s latest gridiron triumph had already ping-ponged through the encrypted group-chats of…
Carmelo Anthony Retires, Planet Keeps Spinning (Just Faster in Some Time Zones) By the time the news pinged phones from Lagos to Lisbon, Carmelo Anthony had already posted a sepia-toned farewell video whose background piano was so tastefully somber it could score a UN climate report. The 19-year000 veteran—who logged more frequent-flyer miles than most…
