The Ballad of Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink: A Post-Colonial Dutchman Kicks His Way Through the End of History By Dave’s Locker International Desk Rotterdam – It is tempting to treat Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink as a mere footnote in the great PowerPoint presentation of modern football: a 90s-vintage striker with a howitzer right boot and a surname…
Terence Crawford and the Quiet Art of Global Violence By A. Serrano, Foreign Correspondent (currently hiding from creditors in a Moldovan airport bar) Omaha, Nebraska—birthplace of TV dinners, Warren Buffett, and now the planet’s most polite destroyer of men. Terence “Bud” Crawford has, in the grand tradition of American exports, taken something provincial (the Midwestern…
PORTLAOISE, Ireland – While the rest of the planet argues over whose apocalypse is scheduled first—climate, debt, or the next smartphone update—three hundred men in pastel slacks have retreated to a sodden island to ritualistically chase a ball and pretend the 21st century isn’t happening. Welcome to the Irish Open, the European Tour’s annual reminder…
Rory McIlroy: The Last Romantic in the Age of Sport-Washing By Our Man in the Rough DUBAI — While the rest of us are busy price-checking canned beans and wondering which hemisphere will ignite first this summer, Rory McIlroy is still out there trying to hit a tiny sphere into a slightly larger hole with…
The NFL schedule release used to be a quaint domestic ritual: a few million Americans arguing on sports-talk radio about whether the Patriots had been given too many prime-time slots. Now, thanks to the league’s tireless evangelism—and the unquenchable global appetite for anything loud enough to drown out the news—the 18-week fixture list is parsed…
Flushing Meadows, Queens — The 2025 US Open begins next week under a sky the color of a bruised credit card, and the planet’s more polite time zones are already bracing for impact. From Tokyo trading desks that will flicker with live betting algorithms to the European Parliament’s cafeteria where aides will pretend to watch…
Bishop Montgomery Football and the Decline of Western Civilization (As Viewed from 30,000 Feet) By the time the private-jet set touched down in Riyadh last week—fresh from Davos, COP 28, and a discreet stop in Davos again for good measure—news of Bishop Montgomery High’s latest gridiron triumph had already ping-ponged through the encrypted group-chats of…
Carmelo Anthony Retires, Planet Keeps Spinning (Just Faster in Some Time Zones) By the time the news pinged phones from Lagos to Lisbon, Carmelo Anthony had already posted a sepia-toned farewell video whose background piano was so tastefully somber it could score a UN climate report. The 19-year000 veteran—who logged more frequent-flyer miles than most…
Jannik Sinner: Italy’s Ice-Cool Prodigy and the Global Gladiator Games By our Special Correspondent in the Cheap Seats When Jannik Sinner hoisted the Australian Open trophy at 3:14 a.m. Melbourne time, the rest of the planet was busy doom-scrolling through wars, recessions, and whatever fresh hell Elon Musk had tweeted that day. Yet for one…
NL Wild Card: The Last Gasp of American Exceptionalism, Now Streaming Worldwide by Dave’s Locker International Desk If you tune in from Paris at 3 a.m. or from Lagos at 9 p.m.—thanks to the miracle of geo-pirated streams and unquenchable insomnia—you’ll discover the same tableau: grown men in poly-blend pajamas sprinting across manicured Kentucky bluegrass…
Houston, We Have a Brand Problem: Astros vs Yankees as Global Morality Play by Dave’s Locker Foreign Correspondent (still jet-lagged from a nonstop via Reykjavik) When the Houston Astros and New York Yankees renew their blood feud this week, most of the planet will be busy keeping the lights on, the bombs off, or the…
Drew Gilbert and the Global Theater of Minor-League Outrage By Diego “Don’t-Call-Me-Diego” Marquez, International Sports Misanthrope On the surface, Drew Gilbert is simply a 5’9″ outfielder with a swing prettier than most Instagram filters and a temper shorter than a TikTok attention span. Yet from the vantage point of a press box that smells faintly…
