Orlando Bloom: The Last Global Elf Standing Between Us and Total Cultural Collapse By the time the sun rises over the Bosphorus, Orlando Bloom has already been pirated in seventeen languages. Somewhere in Jakarta, a bootleg Legolas screensaver flickers across a cracked Huawei monitor; in Lagos, a street vendor hawks laminated wallet-sized photographs of Will…
**The Accidental Empress: How Kylie Kelce Became America’s Last Export Anyone Still Wants** *International Desk, somewhere between despair and the duty-free shop* While the rest of America busily exports inflation, culture wars, and increasingly questionable Netflix originals, one woman has managed to weaponize authenticity into the country’s last viable soft-power play. Enter Kylie Kelce—Philadelphia’s accidental…
Global Bulletin: Sheinelle Jones and the Glorious Mundanity of the 24-Hour Apocalypse Watch By Dave’s Locker Foreign Desk NEW YORK—In the same week that the Arctic registered its first 30-degree-Celsius February temperature and the Bank of Japan toyed with negative interest rates like a cat batting a dead mouse, American morning television offered its own…
College Board: The Great American Sorting Hat Goes Global By Our Man in the Departures Lounge, Somewhere Over the Atlantic If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Kafka and Milton Friedman co-designed a dating app for 17-year-olds, look no further than the College Board: a 123-year-old non-profit whose primary export is anxiety, laminated in…
It is 04:47 GMT and the planet is already laughing. Somewhere between a TikTok livestream from Jakarta and the BBC’s sober pre-dawn bulletin, the American Powerball has coughed up another instant plutocrat—one ticket, sold at a Speedway gas station in—wait for it—Noblesville, Indiana. The jackpot clocked in at a tasteful US $1.326 billion, which, for…
The planet is on fire, inflation is staging a renaissance, and yet a non-trivial slice of humanity spent last night refreshing a subreddit in Manila to find out whether a Brazilian yoga instructor betrayed a Scottish hairdresser inside a Bulgarian-set house they will never actually leave. Welcome, dear reader, to the global cottage industry of…
Felpham: The Village That Accidentally Became a Global Metaphor by “Sir” Reginald Blight, Senior Coastal Stringer-at-Large Drive ninety minutes south-west from London, past the duty-free cathedrals of Gatwick and the Brexit car parks of Crawley, and you will eventually spill onto a pebble beach where gulls scream like unpaid interns and the air smells faintly…
Emergency Alert Test: The Planet’s Loudest Group Therapy Session The shrill, unmistakable screech that rattled phones from Reykjavík to Riyadh this week was not your cousin’s crypto scam, nor a push notification from a meditation app you forgot you paid for. It was the global Emergency Alert Test, an international mass-bleep designed to remind eight…
Daily Horoscope for September 4, 2025 – A Global Forecast in Which Absolutely No One Gets Out Alive By Our Cynical Correspondent, currently orbiting the chaos from a press seat in Reykjavík REYKJAVÍK—Somewhere between the 14th volcanic belch of the year and the IMF’s 37th emergency Zoom, humanity reached for its horoscopes this morning like…
The Lego Death Star: A 4,016-Piece Monument to Our Global Death Drive By Dave’s Foreign Correspondent, somewhere between aisle 7 and existential dread GENEVA—While diplomats inside the Palais des Nations bicker over wording in Article 3(b) of yet another non-binding resolution, the real arms race is happening in toy stores from Berlin to Bangkok. Lego’s…
Unknown Number: The Global Panic in Your Pocket By Eduardo “Eddy” Valdez, Senior Paranoia Correspondent PARIS—Somewhere between croissant number three and the daily existential dread of climate reports, I received a call from a number my phone labeled “Maybe: Death.” Naturally, I answered. The line clicked, a synthesized voice whispered “We know what you did,”…
Julianne Hough, the Utah-born dancer who once glided across American living rooms in sequined anonymity, has now pirouetted onto a far larger stage: the planet’s collective nervous breakdown. From the Dolby Theatre to Davos, from TikTok’s algorithmic abyss to a sweat lodge in the Swiss Alps, Hough’s recent career pivot—part corporate-wellness messiah, part high-end grief…
