When the World’s Most Trusted Three Digits Go Silent A 911 outage is a very American crisis—like deep-fried butter or presidential Twitter feeds—yet last week’s six-hour nap of the United States’ emergency number sent shivers from Lagos to Lahore. Why should foreigners care if Omaha can’t summon an ambulance? Because the glitch laid bare a…
Noelvi Marte and the Global Supply Chain of Dreams by Our Correspondent in the International Bureau of Disenchantment When the Cincinnati Reds announced that 22-year-old shortstop-turned-outfielder Noelvi Marte had tested positive for Boldenone—an anabolic steroid more commonly found in Venezuelan racehorses and Instagram bodybuilders—he became the latest human commodity to be recalled from the showroom…
**The TikTok Deal: How a Dancing App Became the World’s Most Expensive Geopolitical Hot Potato** If you’ve been wondering what fresh hell 2025 has in store for us, look no further than the ongoing TikTok saga—a corporate soap opera so convoluted it makes Brexit negotiations look like a straightforward business transaction. What began as an…
ActBlue and the Global Democratization of Panic-Donating By Our Correspondent, Still Jet-lagged in Three Time Zones PARIS—If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if an ATM and a guilt trip had a baby, meet ActBlue. The little blue engine that could—and did—hoover up $14 billion for U.S. Democrats since 2004 is no longer a quaint…
**The Peculiar Export of American Anxiety: How the John Brown Gun Club Went Global** In a world where irony died sometime around 2016 and was buried in an unmarked grave, the international proliferation of American armed leftist groups might seem like just another Tuesday in our collective fever dream. Yet here we are, watching the…
**Costco’s Cart of Capitalism: When Bulk Buying Becomes a Global Religion** *By Our Correspondent, Still Recovering from a 48-Pack of Existential Dread* If the world is ending—and most indices suggest it’s simply on clearance—then Costco is the air-locked fallout shelter where survivors will haggle over apocalypse-sized jars of pickles. The Issaquah, Washington-based warehouse club just…
Cost Stock: The Global Ledger Where Every Line Item Is a Tiny Funeral By Our Man in Geneva, Who’s Still Counting the Dead GENEVA—The phrase “cost stock” sounds like something you’d mutter while hunting for a cheaper chardonnay in a duty-free shop. In reality, it’s the quiet, bloodless term accountants use to describe the value…
Nick Lodolo and the Great American Pastime’s Global Hangover By Our Man on the Mound, Somewhere between Cincinnati and the Hague Somewhere in the bowels of Great American Ball Park, a 6-foot-6 left-hander with a curveball that bends like EU agricultural policy is quietly reminding the planet that the United States still exports something other…
The Day the World’s Panic Button Went Silent By Our Man in the Cheap Seats, Somewhere Over the Atlantic When the United States discovered that its 911 emergency lines had executed a synchronized face-plant this week, the rest of the planet did what it always does when America stubs its toe: winced, then checked its…
Chuba Hubbard, the Canadian running back whose name sounds like a Bond villain’s accountant, is having a moment. While the NFL’s global marketing department is busy slapping team logos on cricket bats in Mumbai and bao buns in Shanghai, Hubbard quietly reminds the world that the league’s future passport stamps might actually be earned between…
**The Glorious Ascension of Jaylen Warren: How a Backup Running Back Became the World’s Most Overanalyzed Athlete** In a world where nuclear powers exchange passive-aggressive diplomatic notes and cryptocurrency millionaires evaporate overnight, humanity has found its true north: dissecting the career trajectory of Jaylen Warren, the Pittsburgh Steelers’ backup running back who has somehow become…
Salomón Rondón: The Striker Who Outlasted Three Presidents, Two Sanctions, and One Currency CARACAS—When Salomón Rondón bundled home a rebound against Bournemouth in March, the modest cheer at Goodison Park was drowned out by a louder rovation in living rooms from Maracaibo to Madrid. Not because Everton fans are ungrateful—though they are—but because, for many…
