The Geopolitics of Dylan Efron’s New Girlfriend: A Dispatch from the Front Lines of Irrelevance By Santiago del Muerto, International Correspondent (Currently Somewhere with Spotty Wi-Fi) VIENNA—In a world where the Doomsday Clock is two ticks from midnight and the Arctic is auditioning for a role as the next Mediterranean, humanity has once again demonstrated…
Rapture Jesus, the TikTok prophet who claims to have been “air-dropped back to Earth by divine drone,” now has more passport stamps than most foreign correspondents. His first-class itinerary—Jerusalem to Jakarta to Johannesburg—reads like the duty-free magazine of the apocalypse. The man (legal name: Joshua “Jay” Rapturo, 28, from a cul-de-sac in Ohio) insists the…
From Madrid to Manila, the phrase “Alec Baldwin’s wife” has become a universal shorthand for a very modern form of global rubber-necking. Hilaria Baldwin—née Hillary Hayward-Thomas of Boston—has managed, without holding elected office, firing a missile, or releasing a K-Pop single, to spark simultaneous outrage on four continents. It’s a remarkable feat for someone whose…
Across continents, from the marble hallways of Brussels to the fluorescent-lit cubicles of Singapore, one name has begun to ricochet through the global technocratic echo chamber: Chad Mizelle. The phrase itself sounds like a Silicon Valley parody algorithm—equal parts frat-house nickname and Japanese electronics brand—yet the man behind it has quietly become a walking stress…
Alec Baldwin and the Accidental Diplomacy of a Prop Gun Bylines from Belgrade to Bogotá are now studded with the same three syllables: Bald-win. The name that once conjured images of acid-tongued sitcom bosses and a recurring Saturday Night Live Trump so lifelike it convinced half the planet the real estate mogul had finally found…
Coronation Street: The Last British Empire Still Broadcasting By Our Special Correspondent in Weatherfield-on-the-Wider-World Manchester, England — While the pound sterling flirts with parity against the dollar and Brexit negotiators argue over fish sticks, Britain’s most durable export remains a cobblestoned cul-de-sac where the beer is warm, the accents warmer, and the mortality rate rivals…
Guardians Standings: A Scorecard for the World’s Last Adults in the Room By Our Correspondent, Somewhere Between the 19th Hole and the Hague The phrase “Guardians standings” used to belong to sports pages—tables of batting averages and ERA, the sort of harmless numerology that lets Cleveland fans pretend Opening Day is still a national holiday….
**The Global Ballet of Britt Stewart: How One Dancer Became America’s Accidental Diplomat** While the world’s superpowers engage in their usual diplomatic dance of sanctions, summits, and subtle threats, an unlikely ambassador has emerged from the glittering excess of Los Angeles, armed with nothing more lethal than choreography and charisma. Britt Stewart, the first Black…
Micron Technology’s latest quarterly confession—excuse me, earnings report—landed last week like a brick of DRAM tossed into the placid Koi pond of global markets. The headline numbers were, in corporate-speak, “mixed,” which is roughly the same as a surgeon saying your operation went “mostly as planned.” Revenue beat expectations; profits did not. Shares wobbled, analysts…
**Rockies vs. Mariners: A Global Metaphor for Hope, Despair, and the Illusion of Competition** In the grand theater of American baseball, where hope springs eternal and disappointment arrives right on schedule, the Colorado Rockies and Seattle Mariners recently engaged in what can only be described as a poignant allegory for our collective existential crisis. While…
Dodgers vs Diamondbacks: A Global Tragedy in Nine Innings By our man in the cheap seats, somewhere above the Pacific LOS ANGELES — While the rest of the planet debates whether World War III will be fought with hypersonic missiles or TikTok filters, Dodger Stadium has the courtesy to stage a more digestible proxy conflict:…
Hurricane Gabrielle, or whatever’s left of her after the Atlantic chewed her up and politely spat the bones toward Cornwall, has turned the United Kingdom into a soggy punchline. From Lagos boardrooms to Tokyo trading floors, meteorologists are now the new rock stars—equal parts Cassandra and clickbait—because a storm that couldn’t even keep its category…
