John Mulaney Lands in Paris, and the World Pretends It’s 1922 Again By Dave’s Locker Diplomatic Desk PARIS — On a rain-soaked Wednesday that felt suspiciously scripted, American comic John Mulaney stepped off the Eurostar, blinking like a mole in designer sunglasses. Within minutes, the Gare du Nord’s usual carnival of pickpockets and vape clouds…
Miller Moss: The Global Fungus That Eats Your Roof, Your Dreams, and Maybe Your Sovereignty By the time you notice the greenish fuzz creeping across your terracotta tiles in Seville, it has already colonized slate roofs in Sheffield, asphalt shingles in Seattle, and the corrugated tin favelas of Rio. Miller Moss—scientifically “Dicranoweisia cirrata” for anyone…
The Colosseum Has Wi-Fi: USC Football’s 2024 Schedule as a Mirror to Our Dying Empire by Jorge “El Cynico” Mendieta, International Affairs Desk LOS ANGELES—While the rest of the planet debates whether the Arctic will finish melting before or after the next U.S. election, the University of Southern California has released its 2024 football schedule:…
The Pacific, that vast blue shrug between continents, rarely bothers to register a college football game. Yet tonight, somewhere above the tectonic shrug that passes for the Ring of Fire, Fresno State and Hawaii will collide like two tourist t-shirts in a hotel gift shop—garish, cheap, and oddly essential to the local economy. From Brussels…
NAVY FEDERAL: HOW A VIRGINIA CREDIT UNION ACCIDENTALLY BECAME THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL SHADOW BANK By the time the sun reaches the flight deck of the USS Ronald Reagan somewhere in the Philippine Sea, the aircraft carrier’s cash register back home has already processed its first million dollars. The till belongs not to the Pentagon,…
**The United States: A 3D Imax Spectacle Everyone Pretends They’re Not Watching** By the time you finish this sentence, the American political cycle will have lurched forward another six inches, like a drunk tourist on Bourbon Street who insists he’s “totally fine” while mispronouncing “bourbon.” The rest of us, scattered across five continents and innumerable…
In a world where quarterbacks are traded like cryptocurrency and highlight reels outrank passports for global relevance, the sudden rise of Kaidon Salter is less a sports story than a geopolitical parable with shoulder pads. From the limestone bowels of Cookeville, Tennessee—population: roughly the same as a mid-sized refugee camp—to the glowing rectangles of every…
Fogerty’s Creedence: The Last American Soundtrack Playing in a Planet-Wide Waiting Room By “Globetrotting” Gustave Serrano, filed from an airport lounge whose PA system still thinks “Proud Mary” is a boarding call Somewhere between the duty-free tequila and the vinyl reissue stand at Heathrow’s Terminal 5, John Fogerty’s nasal rasp leaks out like contraband nostalgia….
Jakobi Lane and the Quiet Bankruptcy of the Global Imagination Byline: Dave’s Locker, International Affairs Desk Somewhere between the seventh branded energy drink and the fifteenth crypto airdrop, the planet decided to outsource its mythology to a cul-de-sac in a city planners forgot to name. Welcome to Jakobi Lane—population 412, elevation “technically above sea level,”…
Miami, Florida — While the rest of the planet frets over melting ice caps and which septuagenarian will next inherit the nuclear codes, the city’s tropical Versailles has decided the most pressing geopolitical story is a 6-foot-2, 245-pound freshman named Rueben Bain. Yes, the Hurricanes’ latest defensive end has been decreed a “generational talent,” a…
The world, bless its cynical heart, has finally found a new global pastime that doesn’t involve doom-scrolling through missile alerts or watching billionaires race each other to the thermosphere. Instead, we are all—whether we like it or not—on the Jordyn Tyson beat. If the name sounds like a Marvel sidekick who got cut for being…
Tulsa, Oklahoma—population roughly the same as Reykjavík plus a decent football stadium—has once again become a global barometer, not for oil futures or evangelical voter turnout, but for the simple fact that its weather behaved like a drunk diplomat at a climate summit: unpredictably, loudly, and with collateral damage. Last Tuesday’s softball-sized hail turned sedans…
