Today’s Weather: A Global Forecast of Mild Panic with a Chance of Existential Dread By Dave’s Locker International Desk Geneva, 07:14 UTC—If you squint at the synoptic charts long enough, the planet resembles a feverish patient whose temperature keeps spiking every time the nurse turns her back. From Anchorage to Addis Ababa, today’s weather is…
Yvette Cooper and the Empire of Small-Print Doom By our Special Correspondent in Existential Limbo LONDON, Tuesday – Somewhere between the soggy Pret sandwich and the next Brexit anniversary, Yvette Cooper has quietly become the West’s most efficient exporter of bureaucratic dread. While other politicians chase headlines the way toddlers chase soap bubbles, the Chair…
Rhode: The Lipstick Empire the World Never Knew It Needed By Dave’s Foreign Correspondent, still jet-lagged in Terminal 3 Somewhere between the collapse of the Turkish lira and the quiet implosion of another crypto exchange, the planet has paused to obsess over Rhode—an American cosmetics line whose name sounds like a mispronounced Greek island but…
The Weeknd Goes Global: How One Torontonian Made the Entire Planet Feel Like 3 A.M. on a Tuesday By the time you read this, Abel Tesfaye—known to customs officials and streaming algorithms alike as “The Weeknd”—has already soundtracked another rotation of Earth. His synth-soaked tales of after-hours heartbreak have become the unofficial dial tone for…
Postcode Roulette: How Your Street Address Became the World’s Least Fun Lottery Ticket By Dave’s Foreign Desk In 2019, a baby born on the north side of the River Liffey in Dublin had a 94 % chance of reaching primary school without contracting tuberculosis. Had the same infant emerged from a womb three kilometres south—still…
Birmingham, England—where the weather has always been a reliable punchline—recently delivered a masterclass in meteorological passive-aggression. A bruised-purple sky dumped golf-ball hail on the Bullring, flash-flooded the A38, and then sauntered off like a drunk who’s just keyed your car. Locals responded with the traditional stiff-upper-lip shrug: “Could be worse; could be Leeds.” Yet, from…
Hurricane Hawaii: A Global Tempest in a Teacup, Served with Pineapple By Dave’s Locker International Desk HONOLULU—While the rest of the planet busies itself with wars, elections, and whatever Elon Musk tweeted at 3 a.m., the Central Pacific has coughed up Hurricane Hone, a Category-4 bruiser currently doing an interpretive dance around the Hawaiian archipelago….
Flushing Meadows, Queens — The 2025 US Open begins next week under a sky the color of a bruised credit card, and the planet’s more polite time zones are already bracing for impact. From Tokyo trading desks that will flicker with live betting algorithms to the European Parliament’s cafeteria where aides will pretend to watch…
Anaconda, Darling of the Dystopian Tropics, Eyes the World Stage By L. Marlowe, Senior Correspondent for Dave’s Locker RIO DE JANEIRO—Every few years, the anaconda slithers out of the fetid Amazon and into the global imagination, reminding the planet’s apex predator—us—that we are still, technically, edible. This time the serpent’s renaissance has nothing to do…
Bishop Montgomery Football and the Decline of Western Civilization (As Viewed from 30,000 Feet) By the time the private-jet set touched down in Riyadh last week—fresh from Davos, COP 28, and a discreet stop in Davos again for good measure—news of Bishop Montgomery High’s latest gridiron triumph had already ping-ponged through the encrypted group-chats of…
Spike Lee Lands in Cannes, Reminding the Planet That America Still Can’t Sit Still By the time the Mediterranean sun had begun its daily assault on the Croisette, Spike Lee was already holding court outside the Palais, red-capped, gold-rimmed shades glinting like a warning flare. The occasion was ostensibly the Cannes premiere of his latest…
Unknown Number: The High-School Catfish Who Trolled the Planet By Our Jaded Correspondent, Currently Suffering from Déjà Vu in Three Time Zones It began, as all twenty-first-century disasters do, with a vibrating rectangle. Somewhere in the fluorescent-lit limbo of an American high school—a place that doubles as a petri dish for future congressional interns—an “unknown…
