Everton vs Tottenham: A Tragicomedy for the Ages, Now Streaming Worldwide By our man in the cheap seats, still waiting for VAR to overturn existence itself LONDON—Somewhere between the Irish Sea and the Seven Sisters, twenty-two millionaires in neon boots will jog out on Saturday to settle a grudge that predates the internet, Brexit, and…
**The Trials of Kyle Walker: A Modern Tragedy in Four Acts (and Counting)** LONDON—In the grand theater of English football, where millionaires chase leather spheres for the entertainment of billions, few players have mastered the art of self-sabotage quite like Kyle Walker. The Manchester City defender’s recent escapades—from flashing in a Barcelona bar to allegedly…
The Lions Schedule, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the 3 a.m. Kickoff By Dave’s International Desk Geneva, Switzerland – While the rest of the planet frets over ballistic missile trajectories and the precise temperature at which coral turns to bone meal, a quieter, more civilized form of global coordination is unfolding:…
In a world where supply-chain disruptions can sink currencies faster than a TikTok trend, the Cincinnati Bengals have quietly published a schedule that, on the surface, is merely 17 dates and a few bye-week tears. Yet from an international vantage point—say, a damp café in Istanbul where the espresso tastes like geopolitical regret—the Bengals’ calendar…
NFL Schedule Today: A Global Broadcast of Helmeted Diplomacy, Sponsored by Your Local Despot By Dave’s Locker Foreign Correspondent at Large While most of the planet wakes up wondering whether the grain corridor will reopen or if the Pacific will soon host a live-fire sequel, roughly 180 million people across 196 countries will instead refresh…
Bucharest, Romania – Somewhere over the Carpathians, a bargain-bin Shahed drone is learning Romanian the hard way. Tuesday night’s crater in the village of Izvoarele was not, strictly speaking, a surprise—more like the international equivalent of a drunk neighbor ringing the doorbell at 3 a.m. “I was looking for Kyiv,” it seemed to say, “but…
The Manchester Derby: A 135-Year Blood Feud in Four Acts and Countless Billable Hours by Dave’s Locker International Correspondent, still jet-lagged and morally bankrupt Act I – The Industrial Prelude (1881-1950s) Legend has it the rivalry began when a St. Mark’s church cricket team decided football was more lucrative than salvation and became Manchester City,…
Mark Zuckerberg, the world’s most famous hoodie-wearing billionaire, has spent the last decade auditioning for the role of “global sovereign by accident.” From Nairobi to Naples, his creation—Facebook, now the overfed parent Meta—has become the de-facto public square, confession booth, and riot-inciter rolled into one blue-branded burrito. At Davos they still call him “Mr. Zuckerberg”…
PARIS—Somewhere between the Seine’s reflection of a burning Citroën and the clink of overpriced rosé at Café de Flore sits Eva Longoria, proving that when America exports its sitcom leftovers, the rest of the world graciously reheats them into haute cuisine. Two decades after she sashayed across Wisteria Lane in stilettos sharp enough to qualify…
**The Tyrrell Hatton Paradox: How One Man’s Golf Clubs Reflect the Existential Angst of Late-Stage Capitalism** In the grand theater of professional golf, where middle-aged men in pastel polos chase a white ball across manicured lawns while entire nations crumble under the weight of their own contradictions, Tyrrell Hatton stands as a peculiar prophet of…
LIVERPOOL FIXTURES: A GLOBAL CIRCUS IN RED By our correspondent who has watched too many 3 a.m. kickoffs in airport bars Liverpool’s fixture list dropped this week, and—surprise—the planet did not tilt off its axis. Yet from Jakarta sports bars to Lagos betting kiosks, the schedule was parsed with the reverence usually reserved for papal…
Global Dispatch: The Sun — Still There, Still Underappreciated By Santiago “Sunny” Valdez, Senior Irradiated Correspondent Dateline: Somewhere on the daylight side of Earth, where 7.9 billion of us are simultaneously squinting at our phones to complain that it’s “too bright.” The sun—that 4.6-billion-year-old ball of nuclear gossip in the sky—has once again risen without…
