September 5, 2025 – Astrology for Nations That Still Pretend the Stars Care by L. M. Valdez, Senior Correspondent, Dave’s Locker If you’re reading this on a functioning screen, congratulations: you’ve survived another 24 hours of the slow-motion demolition derby we call “late-stage globalization.” While the IEA quietly revises peak-oil dates again and the IMF…
NEW YORK—Across the planet, mayors are usually the municipal footnotes of geopolitics—background actors who cut ribbons and pretend to care about potholes. Then along comes Eric Adams: a former police captain, vegan workout evangelist, and walking, talking New York Post headline generator whose daily gyrations now serve as a sort of Rorschach test for the…
**Bodycare Goes Global: How the World Scrubs, Slathers, and Self-Flagellates in Pursuit of the Perfect Epidermis** From Seoul’s 12-step “glass skin” regimens to Rio’s dental-floss beachwear mandates, humanity has quietly agreed that the largest human organ is also the most high-maintenance. Once a private affair conducted behind bathroom doors, bodycare has become a planetary spectator…
Tokyo wakes up at 7 p.m. New York time, just in time to watch the S&P 500 futures twitch like a lab rat on its third espresso. In London, fund managers are already three cups in, praying the overnight move doesn’t blow up their bonus before breakfast. Meanwhile in São Paulo, a currency trader checks…
Nate Burleson: The Accidental Diplomat Quietly Teaching the World How to Talk to Itself By the time most Americans were debating whether their morning coffee tasted more like hope or despair, Nate Burleson had already addressed three continents without leaving a Midtown studio. The former Detroit Lions receiver—whose career highlight reel once consisted of hurdling…
The 10-Year Treasury: Humanity’s Favorite Global Mood Ring By Our Correspondent Somewhere Between Frankfurt and Existential Dread Every morning from Tokyo to Toronto, bond traders wake up, kiss their Bloomberg terminals, and ask the same question: “So, what’s the 10-year doing?” It’s less a query than a planetary pulse-check. The U.S. 10-year Treasury yield—currently flirting…
The Dominican Republic, that sun-bleached comma between the Atlantic and the Caribbean, has spent the last few centuries perfecting a very particular global talent: offering the rest of us a mirror in which to admire our own contradictions. From the air it looks like a careless green smudge on the edge of empire, but down…
Orlando Bloom: The Last Global Elf Standing Between Us and Total Cultural Collapse By the time the sun rises over the Bosphorus, Orlando Bloom has already been pirated in seventeen languages. Somewhere in Jakarta, a bootleg Legolas screensaver flickers across a cracked Huawei monitor; in Lagos, a street vendor hawks laminated wallet-sized photographs of Will…
Papers, Please: The world’s favorite new pastime is watching other people move Dateline: Somewhere between the Mediterranean’s floating graveyard and the Rio Grande’s TikTok livestream—take your pick, both have Wi-Fi and existential dread in equal measure. This week, immigration is once again the planet’s most lucrative spectator sport. From the Channel Tunnel to the Darién…
Jeremy Corbyn, the accidental icon who once made a red rose look like a Molotov cocktail to some and a peace offering to others, is enjoying a second act. From the back benches of the House of Commons, the man who was supposed to be the ghost at Labour’s centrist feast is now being courted…
Economic Calendar: The World’s Most Expensive Day-Planner By Our Correspondent Still Recovering from Last Week’s Flash Crash If aliens ever bothered to scan Earth’s financial chatter, they’d assume our species worships a holy spreadsheet known as the economic calendar. Every line item—NFP Friday in Washington, CPI Wednesday in Brussels, PMI dawn prayers in Tokyo—is penciled…
Scotland vs Denmark: A Nordic Noir Sequel Starring Bagpipes and Existential Dread By Our Correspondent Still Recovering from Copenhagen’s €9 Pints On paper, Scotland v Denmark is merely the final group-stage footnote of UEFA’s bloated Nations League carousel—an exercise in administrative box-ticking so convoluted even the accountants have given up. Yet, like most things European…
