The Last Global Middleman: How Funeral Directors Became the World’s Most Reliable Growth Industry While Silicon Valley scrambles to disrupt death with cryogenic startups and “digital legacy” apps, an ancient profession is quietly enjoying its most profitable millennium yet. From the neon-lit funeral parlors of Tokyo to the candle-scented chapels of rural Sicily, funeral directors…
Harrison Bader and the Tragicomedy of Global Citizenship By Our Man in the Cheap Seats, Somewhere Over the Atlantic PARIS—While the French Senate debated whether to irradiate Japanese oysters and the Bundesbank quietly updated its “In Case of American Default” PowerPoint, Harrison Bader—yes, that Harrison Bader, the human highlight reel from Bronxville—was introduced to 40,000…
The Global Theater of Task Cast: How Humanity’s Endless To-Do Lists Became Our New Religion GENEVA—In a world where nuclear treaties expire like milk and democracy comes with a 30-day trial period, humanity has found its new opiate: the sacred art of task casting. From Silicon Valley’s glass temples to Mumbai’s chai-scented coworking spaces, we’ve…
James Walkinshaw and the Great Global Disappointment By our man in the departure lounge, nursing his fourth miniature bottle of airline merlot Somewhere over the mid-Atlantic, in the sardine-tin glow of seat 37C, the name James Walkinshaw flickered across the in-flight Wi-Fi like a half-remembered punchline. Passengers from Lagos to Lima glanced up from their…
Caracas, August 2025 – The last time Venezuela made this many foreigners nervous, the price of oil was still measured in single digits and nobody had yet invented the phrase “special military operation.” Today, as the country lurches toward yet another election that may or may not happen, the rest of the planet is discovering…
Stephen Miller and the Global Export of American Dysfunction by our correspondent in the Departures Lounge, Terminal 3, World History While most nations outsource widgets, microchips, or seasonal fruit, the United States—ever the innovator—has begun franchising its grudges. Exhibit A: Stephen Miller, the 38-year-old senior advisor who looks like the last surviving barista at a…
Anthony Rizzo and the Geopolitics of a First-Baseman’s Elbow By Our Man in the Dugout Bar, Somewhere between Caracas and Queens Somewhere in the world tonight, a war correspondent is filing copy on grain futures while Anthony Rizzo’s cervical fusion is trending above a failed cease-fire. That’s not a punch-line; it’s merely Tuesday. The Yankees’…
Every four summers, the planet tilts slightly on its axis—not from any cosmic wobble, but from the collective psychic tremor of 130 million Mexicans holding their breath. El Tri, the itinerant national soap opera disguised as a football team, staggers onto the global stage again, and the rest of us pretend we have better things…
Lynx vs Fever: A Tale of Two Temperatures and One Very Confused Planet By Dave’s Locker International Desk (still wearing a hazmat suit “just in case”) Let us begin with the obvious: somewhere in the last decade the natural world decided that satire was obsolete and hired itself out as a headline writer. Case in…
Aaron Judge: The 6’7” American Export Who Reminds the World That Size Still Matters By “Globetrotting” Grigor Malinov, filing from somewhere with regrettable Wi-Fi and excellent bourbon Somewhere between the collapse of the Turkish lira and the news that Beijing’s smog now has its own diplomatic passport, a man named Aaron Judge—built like a Cold-War…
The Friendly Farce: How Meaningless Matches Keep the World Spinning (and the Cash Registers Ringing) Somewhere between a glorified training session and an excuse for patriotic day-drinking, the international football “friendly” lumbers on—a ritual as old as FIFA’s first Swiss bank account. From the neon-drenched stadiums of Doha to the frostbitten stands of Reykjavik, these…
Venezuela vs Colombia: A Border Spat That Could Give the Whole Hemisphere Heartburn By the time you read this, the Bolívarian Republic of Venezuela and the Republic of Colombia have already performed their daily choreography of saber-rattling, Twitter-thread diplomacy, and the kind of military posturing that looks impressive only if you squint really hard and…
