Peter Crouch, the 6-foot-7 walking telegraph pole who once admitted his main talent was “being tall in the right place,” has now been officially rubber-stamped as the global mascot of existential dread. Well, technically he’s the “official mascot” of the 2024–25 UEFA Nations League, but after three viral tweets, two Chinese memes involving inflatable giraffes,…
The World According to Taylor Momsen, or How a Child Star Became the Planet’s Favorite Post-Apocalyptic Soundtrack Provider By the time the pandemic’s second year rolled around, most of us had exhausted our supply of sourdough, serotonin, and hope. Enter Taylor Momsen—once Cindy Lou Who, now eyeliner-laden banshee—howling over distorted guitars as if auditioning to…
Matt Prater: The Man Who Kicks Civilization’s Existential Dread Through Uprights By the time most Europeans are debating whether 4 p.m. is too early for a second espresso, Matt Prater has already launched a football—oval, not spherical, the shape of America’s neuroses—far enough to make GPS satellites recalibrate. 64 yards, a record, give or take…
The World According to Sam Elliott: How a Baritone Drawl Became Planet Earth’s Unofficial GPS Voice By “Roving” Rodrigo Valdez, Senior Correspondent for Existential Affairs, Dave’s Locker Somewhere between the last glacier and the next crypto crash, humanity looked up and realized it had quietly outsourced its moral compass to a 79-year-old man who sounds…
**The Existential Ballet of Denmark v Scotland: A Tragicomedy in Three Acts** In a world where billionaires rocket themselves into space for sport and politicians argue about whether climate change is real while their countries literally burn, the Denmark versus Scotland football match arrives like a perfectly timed absurdist performance—Beckett with shin guards, if you…
