An International Field Guide to Personal Injury Attorneys, or How to Monetize Gravity By the time you finish reading this sentence, at least four people on four different continents will have slipped, tripped, or otherwise obeyed Newton’s least-favorite law and discovered that the ground is not, in fact, optional. Enter the personal injury attorney—part litigator,…
PORTLAOISE, Ireland – While the rest of the planet argues over whose apocalypse is scheduled first—climate, debt, or the next smartphone update—three hundred men in pastel slacks have retreated to a sodden island to ritualistically chase a ball and pretend the 21st century isn’t happening. Welcome to the Irish Open, the European Tour’s annual reminder…
The NFL schedule release used to be a quaint domestic ritual: a few million Americans arguing on sports-talk radio about whether the Patriots had been given too many prime-time slots. Now, thanks to the league’s tireless evangelism—and the unquenchable global appetite for anything loud enough to drown out the news—the 18-week fixture list is parsed…
Bishop Montgomery Football and the Decline of Western Civilization (As Viewed from 30,000 Feet) By the time the private-jet set touched down in Riyadh last week—fresh from Davos, COP 28, and a discreet stop in Davos again for good measure—news of Bishop Montgomery High’s latest gridiron triumph had already ping-ponged through the encrypted group-chats of…
Carmelo Anthony Retires, Planet Keeps Spinning (Just Faster in Some Time Zones) By the time the news pinged phones from Lagos to Lisbon, Carmelo Anthony had already posted a sepia-toned farewell video whose background piano was so tastefully somber it could score a UN climate report. The 19-year000 veteran—who logged more frequent-flyer miles than most…
Jannik Sinner: Italy’s Ice-Cool Prodigy and the Global Gladiator Games By our Special Correspondent in the Cheap Seats When Jannik Sinner hoisted the Australian Open trophy at 3:14 a.m. Melbourne time, the rest of the planet was busy doom-scrolling through wars, recessions, and whatever fresh hell Elon Musk had tweeted that day. Yet for one…
NL Wild Card: The Last Gasp of American Exceptionalism, Now Streaming Worldwide by Dave’s Locker International Desk If you tune in from Paris at 3 a.m. or from Lagos at 9 p.m.—thanks to the miracle of geo-pirated streams and unquenchable insomnia—you’ll discover the same tableau: grown men in poly-blend pajamas sprinting across manicured Kentucky bluegrass…
Houston, We Have a Brand Problem: Astros vs Yankees as Global Morality Play by Dave’s Locker Foreign Correspondent (still jet-lagged from a nonstop via Reykjavik) When the Houston Astros and New York Yankees renew their blood feud this week, most of the planet will be busy keeping the lights on, the bombs off, or the…
Mega Millions: How a $1.6 Billion Mirage Seduces the Planet By Our Man in the Cheap Seats At 11 p.m. Eastern last night, a single American lottery draw produced more overnight billionaires than most African stock exchanges manage in a decade. The Mega Millions jackpot—$1.6 billion and change—had swollen to the kind of figure normally…
The Astros Game Today: A Tragicomedy in Nine Innings, Brought to You by Planetary Melodrama Houston, Texas—population 2.3 million, humidity 100%, probability of existential dread steadily rising. While the locals shuffle into Minute Maid Park to watch grown millionaires in pajamas swat cowhide spheres, the rest of the planet quietly wonders whether this is the…
JACKSONVILLE, Florida – While the rest of the planet debates whether the Arctic will melt or merely relocate to the Mediterranean next summer, the Jacksonville Jaguars have quietly published a depth chart that, in its own small way, mirrors the global order: a thin blue line of starters propped up by an underfunded reserve army,…
Miley Cyrus: The Last American Export Still Clearing Customs By the time you read this, Miley Cyrus has already twerked, tongue-lolled, and power-balladed her way through another cultural checkpoint. Somewhere between Berlin’s Berghain and Bangkok’s rooftop infinity pools, the former Disney Channel tax write-off has become the global West’s most reliable soft-power delivery system—one glitter…
