Rangers Score Today, Earth Still Spinning: A Dispatch From The Front Lines of Futility NEW YORK—Another day, another 3-2 victory for the New York Rangers, and somewhere a hedge-fund manager in Geneva just made or lost the GDP of Moldova on exactly how many seconds elapsed between the second and third goals. The puck crossed…
Syracuse vs Clemson: The Colosseum Goes Global, Sponsored by Late-Stage Capitalism By Our Man at the Thermonuclear Buffet When two American college football programs—one from a lake-effect snowbelt, the other from the buckle of the Bible Belt—clash on a late-October Saturday, the world is, of course, watching. Or at least that’s what ESPN International keeps…
iOS 26: A Global Soft-Power Coup in 6.1 Inches By Dave’s Locker’s Bureau of Late-Stage Capitalism Correspondence GENEVA — While the United Nations was busy drafting yet another sternly-worded letter about somewhere being on fire, Apple quietly dropped iOS 26 last week, instantly redrawing the planet’s cultural map faster than you can say “non-binding resolution.”…
From the Riviera to Riyadh, a single question keeps popping up in late-night Google binges from Manila to Manchester: “Charlie Sheen net worth?” It’s the sort of inquiry that unites humanity in its basest curiosity—after all, if the globe’s collective id can’t take a break from doom-scrolling to wonder how much cocaine-adjacent cash one sitcom…
Padres vs. White Sox: A Tragicomedy Staged on a Diamond, Broadcast to a Planet That Barely Noticed By R. S. Calder, Senior Correspondent, Dave’s Locker Somewhere between the Tijuana maquiladoras and the shuttered Ford plant on Chicago’s South Side, two baseball teams met last night to determine absolutely nothing of consequence—except, perhaps, the exact temperature…
Athletics vs Pirates: A Global Tale of Overpriced Sneakers and Torrented Blockbusters By Our Cynical Correspondent, Somewhere Between a Streaming Queue and a Finish Line On the surface, “Athletics vs Pirates” sounds like a late-night ESPN filler or a children’s book about sportsmanship on the high seas. But zoom out—way out, until you can see…
Kevin Zavala and the Quiet Collapse of the Global Middle Class By Dave’s Locker Foreign Desk (still waiting for our expense-account croissants to clear customs) Dateline: Everywhere and Nowhere—If you haven’t heard of Kevin Zavala yet, congratulations. Your algorithm has mercifully spared you another microscopic shard of the human mosaic now ricocheting around the planet’s…
Parker McCollum and the Global Metronome: How a Texan in a White Cowboy Hat Became the Unlikely Seismograph of an Anxious Planet If the world is indeed hurtling toward some algorithmic end-state where every human emotion can be monetised by a streaming platform, then Parker McCollum’s ascent is less a musical milestone and more a…
Riot Fest and the Global Art of Screaming Together Chicago, USA – If aliens ever bothered to decode our civilization from orbit, they could do worse than start with Riot Fest: a three-day ritual in which otherwise functional adults pay triple-digit sums to stand ankle-deep in Midwestern mud and scream “I’m not okay” in unison…
Lil Tay, the nine-year-old “flexer” who once bragged about owning a Lamborghini she could neither legally drive nor spell, has returned from a five-year digital exile like a pop-culture Lazarus—except the stone has been rolled away by marketing consultants instead of angels. From Jakarta to Johannesburg, the announcement that the child influencer is “back and…
Dodgers Standings: The Blue Empire’s Report Card and Why the Rest of the World Should Pretend to Care By Diego “Cynic-at-Large” Morales, filing from a bar in Bogotá that inexplicably streams MLB in lieu of telenovelas. LOS ANGELES—Somewhere between a freeway pile-up of Teslas and the latest wildfire evacuation, the Los Angeles Dodgers continue to…
The Boys Season 5: A Mirror Held Up to a World Already Smirking at Itself By Diego “Black-Mirror-on-a-Budget” Valenzuela It’s fitting that Amazon’s blood-spattered satire returns just as the planet’s real superheroes—central bankers, tech oligarchs, and whichever oil prince bought another Premier League club—finish their annual dress rehearsal for moral bankruptcy. Season 5 of The…
