Global Shockwaves as Earth’s Nicest Man Ties the Knot: Keanu Reeves Marries, World Temporarily Forgets to Doomscroll
Diplomatic cables from every capital are scrambling for the same adjective this week: “unexpected.” Keanu Reeves, the planet’s most courteous immortal, has officially wed Alexandra Grant in a ceremony so discreet that even the NSA missed it. The news broke like a slow-motion bullet: first a leaked marriage certificate in Los Angeles County, then a…