Marvin Harrison Jr. and the Great American Export Machine By Our Man in the Cheap Seats, somewhere over the Mid-Atlantic The planet’s most popular unintentional satire—American football—has coughed up another prodigy, and the rest of us are expected to feign surprise. Marvin Harrison Jr., a 21-year-old wide receiver from Ohio State, is the latest specimen…
TOKYO—The Pokémon Company announced this week that it will establish an internal “Homeland Security Division,” an initiative that—depending on your geopolitical persuasion—either signals late-stage capitalism’s final victory lap or proves we now live in a timeline where Pikachu has a higher security clearance than most NATO officers. International observers, still recovering from the revelation that…
**The Global Aftershocks of a Pop Diva’s Name: Why the World Can’t Stop Arguing About “Ciara”** *By Our Jaded Foreign Correspondent Who’s Pronounced It Three Different Ways in One Sentence* DUBLIN—Somewhere between a Berlin techno bunker, a Lagos dancehall bash, and a Walmart parking lot in Arkansas, the same linguistic car-crash keeps happening: a perfectly…
Fire Emblem Shadows: How a 30-Year-Old Video Game Trope Became the Planet’s Favorite Political Metaphor PARIS—Somewhere between the eighth espresso of the morning and the third breaking-news alert about another “shadow war,” I realized that the entire planet has apparently enrolled in a master class taught by Fire Emblem’s level-design department. The concept—literal shadows cast…
**The Butterfly Effect of a Christmas Melody: How Mariah Carey Accidentally Became the World’s Most Powerful Non-State Actor** GENEVA — While diplomats at the United Nations debate sanctions and trade agreements, a more formidable force has emerged from the ashes of 1994: Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” The song, which began…
**The Glittering Spectacle of Global Capitalism, Now Playing at a Cinema Near You** In a world where nuclear powers exchange threats over breakfast and climate change is politely ignored like a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, humanity has found its true priority: watching Taylor Swift gyrate in sequins from the comfort of a movie theater seat….
Mikey Moore and the Great Global Rebrand: One Man’s Mid-Life Crisis Becomes the Planet’s Problem By our correspondent in the departure lounge of life LONDON—Somewhere over the Atlantic, between the soggy croissant of a 6 a.m. BA flight and the existential dread that follows daylight-saving time, Mikey Moore—yes, that Mikey Moore, the Gen-X court jester…
TOKYO—Hideo Kojima, the man who once hid the meaning of life inside a 90-minute cut-scene, has transcended mere game design to become a geopolitical weather vane. While Washington and Beijing trade tariff threats like Pokémon cards, Kojima quietly ships “Director’s Cuts” that feel more predictive than the CIA’s morning brief. If you want to know…
June Squibb, the 94-year-old Nebraskan who has spent most of her life politely waiting for the planet to notice she could act, has finally become a global phenomenon. One wonders if the Earth simply ran out of younger people willing to risk their hips on a speeding mobility scooter for art. In May, Squibb completed…
**Capeside Revisited: A Dawson’s Creek Reunion in the Age of Global Collapse** While the world teeters on various brinks—nuclear proliferation, climate catastrophe, democratic backsliding, take your pick—Hollywood has gifted us the television equivalent of a security blanket: the Dawson’s Creek reunion. Because nothing says “we’ve got this under control” like watching thirty-something actors pretend to…
RFK Jr.’s Voice Isn’t Just Raspy—It’s the New Global Soundtrack to Distrust By Our Correspondent Somewhere Over the Atlantic, Wondering If the Cabin Air Is Also a Conspiracy The first time you hear Robert F. Kennedy Jr. speak, you think your headphones have slipped into a lo-fi ASMR remix of a 1930s tuberculosis ward. That…
Giants vs. Chiefs: The World Watches Two Mediocre Powers Trade Body Blows By our jaded foreign correspondent, still waiting for the apocalypse to RSVP GENEVA—In the grand coliseum of global affairs, where nuclear codes are swapped like Pokémon cards and trade wars are fought with the gusto of a Black Friday stampede, this week’s marquee…
