The Premier League Table as Geopolitical Barometer By Our Man in the Departure Lounge LONDON—Somewhere between the 37th minute and the existential dread that is Monday, the Premier League table has become the world’s most widely consulted oracle. From Lagos hawkers to Tokyo hedge-fund pods, the spreadsheet of 20 English postal codes is parsed with…
Everton vs Tottenham: A Tragicomedy for the Ages, Now Streaming Worldwide By our man in the cheap seats, still waiting for VAR to overturn existence itself LONDON—Somewhere between the Irish Sea and the Seven Sisters, twenty-two millionaires in neon boots will jog out on Saturday to settle a grudge that predates the internet, Brexit, and…
**The Trials of Kyle Walker: A Modern Tragedy in Four Acts (and Counting)** LONDON—In the grand theater of English football, where millionaires chase leather spheres for the entertainment of billions, few players have mastered the art of self-sabotage quite like Kyle Walker. The Manchester City defender’s recent escapades—from flashing in a Barcelona bar to allegedly…
The Manchester Derby: A 135-Year Blood Feud in Four Acts and Countless Billable Hours by Dave’s Locker International Correspondent, still jet-lagged and morally bankrupt Act I – The Industrial Prelude (1881-1950s) Legend has it the rivalry began when a St. Mark’s church cricket team decided football was more lucrative than salvation and became Manchester City,…
LIVERPOOL FIXTURES: A GLOBAL CIRCUS IN RED By our correspondent who has watched too many 3 a.m. kickoffs in airport bars Liverpool’s fixture list dropped this week, and—surprise—the planet did not tilt off its axis. Yet from Jakarta sports bars to Lagos betting kiosks, the schedule was parsed with the reverence usually reserved for papal…
**When a Forgotten English City and a Self-Proclaimed European Royalty Remind the Planet Why Football is Still the World’s Most Expensive Soap Opera** By the time the final whistle blew on Leicester City 3, Liverpool 1, the global audience had already metabolised the result three different ways: British pubs spilled disbelief into kebabs; Lagos viewing…
Aston Villa vs Chelsea: A Tale of Two Oligarchs, One Mid-Table Morality Play, and the Global Glitterati Who Watch Anyway By our man in the cheap seats, still waiting for the apocalypse to be televised VILLA PARK, England—Somewhere between the 72nd minute and the existential dread that sets in when both teams remember they’re not…
Old Empires, New Glitches An international dispatch on the latest episode of London City vs Manchester United, the soap opera that doubles as a football match. By the time the final whistle blew somewhere between Peckham and Piccadilly, diplomats in twenty-one time zones had already updated their risk assessments. In Singapore, a hedge-fund algorithm that…
**The Glorious Decline of Manchester United: A Global Tragedy in 4-4-2 Formation** From the bustling streets of Mumbai to the smoky cafés of Buenos Aires, from Lagos to Laos, the world watches with morbid fascination as one of football’s crown jewels transforms into an exquisite corpse. Manchester United—once the empire on which the football sun…
Burnley F.C. vs Liverpool F.C.: A Timeline for the End of Days Turin, Tuesday. While G-7 finance ministers argue over whose printer still has ink, the real summit of civilisation is quietly unfolding on a rectangle of grass in Lancashire. The Burnley–Liverpool fixture may look provincial to anyone who thinks football is merely twenty-two millionaires…
When Rubén Sellés was quietly promoted from Southampton’s shadowy analytics dungeon to the bright, unforgiving glare of the touchline last February, the world barely blinked. After all, in the grand geopolitical casino—where presidents gamble continents on Twitter and central bankers move markets with a raised eyebrow—who has calories to burn on a 39-year-old Spaniard learning…
Rasmus Højlund to Napoli: A Nordic Tragedy in Three Acts, Starring the Global Transfer Market as Itself The rumour, like a cheap espresso in Naples’ back alleys, is short, bitter, and impossible to ignore: Manchester United’s Viking-in-residence, Rasmus Højlund, is being courted by Napoli. On paper it’s a mere line in the sports pages; in…
