Fulham vs Leeds: A Timeline of Mutual Self-Destruction, Now Broadcasting Worldwide By Our Man in the Departure Lounge London, 14:03 GMT – Somewhere above the Atlantic, a Singaporean hedge-fund analyst toggles between two tabs: one tracking the Nikkei’s latest swan dive, the other a grainy stream of Fulham vs Leeds from 2003. He isn’t nostalgic;…
Sitting in a café that claims to be “Parisian” but smells exclusively of burnt sugar and desperation, I watch the replay of Newcastle United versus Wolverhampton Wanderers on a screen whose pixels long ago surrendered. Around me, Japanese tourists photograph croissants, a Russian oligarch haggles over the price of bottled water, and an American podcaster…
Declan Rice, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Transfer Fee by our man in the cheap seats, somewhere over the Atlantic The planet keeps spinning, glaciers sulk, and somewhere a hedge-fund algorithm is quietly buying up the Colorado River. Yet in the summer of 2023, a 24-year-old from Kingston-upon-Thames became the…
Bradford City vs Huddersfield: Two Post-Industrial Towns Try to Feel Something Again —————————————————————– The world’s attention, when not glued to thermobaric TikToks or the latest Central Banker Panic Index, occasionally drifts toward West Yorkshire—where Bradford City and Huddersfield Town renew a rivalry so old it predates both Brexit and coherent Brexit planning. On Saturday these…
A Yacht, a Missing Brit, and the Eternal Optimism of the Guilty The small island of St. John, USVI—population 4,170 and one functioning ATM—has spent the past three years playing unwilling host to a reality-TV pilot nobody asked for. Starring: Ryan Bane, American boat owner and amateur bodyguard to the stars; Sarm Heslop, British former…
PARIS—Somewhere between the fall of Kabul and the collapse of the Lira, humanity found a new daily barometer for civilizational decline: a five-letter word that may or may not contain two vowels and our collective dignity. The “Wordle hint” has become the lingua franca of a planet too exhausted to read the news but still…
How a Friday-Night Lights Scoreboard in Michigan Became the Ouija Board of Global Destiny By A. R. Blackstone, Senior Correspondent, Somewhere over the Mid-Atlantic There is something almost touching—if one’s heart still admits the emotion—about the ritual posting of MHSAA football scores every autumn weekend. A constellation of adolescent gladiators in polyester armor pushes pigskin…
Bitcoin: The Glorious Global Game of Make-Believe We All Pretend Has Rules By A Correspondent Who Still Owns Some, Just in Case Marrakesh, Morocco – While the call to prayer echoed over the medina last Friday, a French tourist in a linen suit tried to buy saffron with Bitcoin. The shopkeeper, who has survived three…
Arsenal Team News: A Global Tragedy in Three Acts By Eduardo “Ed” Sardonique, International Affairs & Existential Dread Correspondent LONDON—Somewhere between a drone strike in the Red Sea and a TikTok of a cat playing the xylophone, Arsenal Football Club released their latest injury bulletin. In any other week the communiqué would have slithered quietly…
The Transnational Aftermath: How Truck Accident Lawyers Quietly Oil the Wheels of Global Trade When a 40-ton Ukrainian grain hauler T-boned a Romanian fuel tanker outside Budapest last October, the first responders were predictably local: Hungarian firefighters, Slovak medics, a Czech haz-mat crew. The last to arrive—but the first to start invoicing—were the lawyers, parachuting…
Times Now, or the Art of Watching the Planet Burn in Real Time By Our Man in Everywhere at Once PARIS—The phrase “times now” used to belong to poets and prophets, those gentle souls who warned that the end was nigh but still had the courtesy to schedule it for next Thursday. These days the…
Univision Noticias: The Spanish-Language News Empire Quietly Deciding What 500 Million People Laugh, Cry and Panic-Buy About ———————————————————————————————————————— If the global news cycle were a seedy nightclub, Univision Noticias would be the velvet-rope bouncer who lets your cousins in first, pats the rest of the world down for contraband grammar, and still pockets a tip…
