From the High Desert to the Pacific Palisades: How a College Basketball Scorecard Became the UN Security Council of 2023 By the time the final buzzer mercifully sounded in Las Vegas, diplomats in Geneva were already arguing whether the 68-63 upset by New Mexico over UCLA constituted a soft-power shift on par with Brexit or…
The Curious Case of Tiffany Stratton and the Global Glitter Bomb By: Our Tokyo Correspondent, still jet-lagged since the Lehman Brothers after-party Somewhere between the neon fallout of WrestleMania XL and whatever fresh geopolitical dumpster fire is trending on X this week, Tiffany Stratton pirouetted into the collective consciousness of 3.4 billion Wi-Fi-enabled eyeballs. The…
Ryan Staub: The Accidental Everyman Who Proves the World Has Run Out of Actual News *International Desk, Dave’s Locker* — While the Arctic melts and billionaires race to Mars like toddlers fighting over the last cookie, humanity has collectively decided that Ryan Staub—a man whose primary achievement appears to be existing—is worthy of global contemplation….
Carlos Rodón and the Global Metaphor of a Fastball in the Face By Our Man in the Cheap Seats, Somewhere Over the Pacific Somewhere between the sushi counters of Tokyo and the kebab stands of Istanbul, a 95-mph fastball left the left hand of Carlos Rodón and ricocheted through the collective consciousness of a planet…
The Great British Baking Show: A Global Sedative in the Age of Collapse By Dave’s Locker Foreign Correspondent, still licking marmalade off the keyboard From the smouldering remains of post-Brexit Britain, a single cultural export has managed to cross more borders than the Queen’s corgis ever did: The Great British Baking Show, known to Americans…
Indiana: Where the World Sends Its Grain and Gets Back a Basketball Museum with Legislature Attached by Our Man in the Middle of Everywhere From a café terrace in Lisbon, the talk is of wheat futures and Russian blockades; in Lagos, container rates out of the Port of Long Beach; in Mumbai, the price of…
Riyadh, 7 April 2030 – Somewhere between the fifteenth pyrotechnic blast and the moment a seven-foot Canadian in sequined camo pointed at the newly unveiled 5-Star Neom Intercontinental, it became clear that WrestleMania 43 had achieved what the G20, COP summits, and three UN Secretaries-General could not: unanimous global participation. One hundred ninety-six countries tuned…
Fire Country: The Planet’s Newest Sovereign State By Our Somewhat Charred Correspondent Somewhere between the 38th parallel and the last functioning gelato stand in Rhodes, a brand-new nation has quietly declared independence. It issues no passports, recognizes no borders, and yet its citizens already outnumber France. Cartographers call it “Fire Country,” but the locals—presently too…
Dana Holgorsen, the man whose name sounds like an IKEA bookshelf you assemble after six beers, has quietly become a geopolitical Rorschach test. From the oil-slicked sidelines of Houston to the neon shrines of Macau, the 52-year-old American football coach now stands as a living metaphor for every empire that’s convinced itself the next quarter…
Sean Astin: The Hobbit Who Survived the End of the World (and Our Attention Spans) By the time the sun rises over the Sea of Galilee, somewhere a tour guide is already comparing Sean Astin to hummus: ubiquitous, reliable, and instantly recognizable even when you can’t remember why. From Seoul streaming queues to São Paulo…
Necaxa-Juárez and the Quiet Apocalypse of Provincial Football By Our Man in the Americas, nursing a mezcal and a migraine in row 17, Estadio Victoria The world’s attention has been, understandably, elsewhere: Gaza’s rubble livestream, Musk firing another 3,000 people over emoji, and the International Olympic Committee debating breakdancing’s spiritual purity. Yet on Saturday night,…
**THE BEAST INCARNATE GOES GLOBAL: How a Minnesota Farm Boy Became the World’s Most Marketable Monster** In an era where globalization has made the world simultaneously more connected and more absurd, Brock Lesnar stands as a testament to humanity’s enduring appetite for controlled violence and agricultural-themed showmanship. The man who once suplexed his way through…
