The 2026 World Cup, or “Operation Three-Country Branding Exercise” as its accountants call it, is already warming up on the runway like a private jet full of undecleared cash. Spread across the United States, Canada, and Mexico—a North American triumvirate that can’t agree on the spelling of “defence” yet somehow agreed to share a trophy—it…
Astros: The New Cosmic Cartel Running the World While You’re Busy Scrolling By Dave’s Foreign Desk, from an undisclosed bar with a view of three different time zones You’d be forgiven for assuming that “Astros” refers to that baseball team whose 2017 World Series trophy is now used primarily as a paperweight for MLB’s apology…
The Sinner and the Saint: How One Italian Tennis Prodigy Became a Global Parable of Moral Relativism Dave’s Locker International, 7 April 2024 ROME—At 4:37 a.m. CET, the ATP press release slid into inboxes like a confession whispered through a confessional grille: Jannik Sinner, the polite South Tyrolean who hits a tennis ball as if…
Severance, Global Edition: The World’s Favorite New Exit Strategy By Dave’s Foreign Desk, still wearing yesterday’s cynicism The word “severance” once belonged to HR paperwork and polite euphemisms like “rightsizing.” Now, courtesy of an Apple TV+ show about surgically splitting workers’ memories, it has become a planetary Rorschach test—everyone sees the same inkblot, but each…
Judkins: The Last Name the World Needed, but Definitely Deserves By our man in the field, slightly jet-lagged and morally flexible If you’ve spent any time doom-scrolling through the global village lately, you’ve probably bumped into “Judkins.” It isn’t a new cryptocurrency, a rogue strain of avian flu, or the next Netflix docu-series about competitive…
The Astros Game Today: A Tragicomedy in Nine Innings, Brought to You by Planetary Melodrama Houston, Texas—population 2.3 million, humidity 100%, probability of existential dread steadily rising. While the locals shuffle into Minute Maid Park to watch grown millionaires in pajamas swat cowhide spheres, the rest of the planet quietly wonders whether this is the…
Lorenzo Musetti, the 22-year-old Italian who looks like he strolled off a Fellini set with a racquet instead of a cigarette, has become the latest reminder that global tennis is now a geopolitical chessboard played on acrylic. Last month in Monte Carlo, Musetti dispatched world No. 1 Novak Djokovic with the same languid shrug one…
JACKSONVILLE, Florida – While the rest of the planet debates whether the Arctic will melt or merely relocate to the Mediterranean next summer, the Jacksonville Jaguars have quietly published a depth chart that, in its own small way, mirrors the global order: a thin blue line of starters propped up by an underfunded reserve army,…
Rosie O’Donnell, the Human Rorschach Test No One Asked For By our correspondent in the cheap seats of the global amphitheater PARIS—Somewhere between the Seine and the Hudson, the name “Rosie O’Donnell” has become a kind of international litmus paper, turning one color for Americans who still think Twitter is a town square, another for…
Miley Cyrus: The Last American Export Still Clearing Customs By the time you read this, Miley Cyrus has already twerked, tongue-lolled, and power-balladed her way through another cultural checkpoint. Somewhere between Berlin’s Berghain and Bangkok’s rooftop infinity pools, the former Disney Channel tax write-off has become the global West’s most reliable soft-power delivery system—one glitter…
The Saints Depth Chart as Global Rorschach Test By Dave’s Locker Foreign Desk (in exile, again) NEW ORLEANS—Somewhere between the beignet grease and the humidity you can still taste Hurricane Katrina’s ghost, the New Orleans Saints released their 2024 depth chart. On the surface it’s a tidy list of 53 men arranged like toy soldiers:…
Naomi Osaka Turns 26: A Global Birthday in the Age of Perpetual Crises By Dave’s Locker International Desk TOKYO—Somewhere between North Korea’s latest missile tantrum and the IMF’s revised “we’re-all-screwed” growth forecast, Naomi Osaka blew out 26 candles last week. That’s 26 revolutions around a sun that, according to the IPCC, now feels like a…
