Gridiron Gluttony: 25 College Football Scores the World Secretly Binges
Gridiron Gluttony: How 25 American College Scores Became the Planet’s Guilty Pleasure
By Diego “Dolorous” Morales, Special Correspondent, Dave’s Locker
While COP28 delegates argued over who gets to sell the last barrel of oil, an arguably more combustible product—American college football—detonated across 25 stadiums last weekend. From the rust-belt cathedrals of the Big Ten to the humidity-stained coliseums of the SEC, the scoreboard lights flashed like malfunctioning Christmas decorations, reminding the rest of the world that when the United States feels existential dread, it simply schedules another kickoff.
Let’s survey the wreckage with the detached amusement of a Swiss banker watching a bar fight over NFTs.
1. Georgia 49, Ole Miss 21
The Bulldogs treated Lane Kiffin’s offense like a Mediterranean tax haven: easy to enter, impossible to leave with anything. Viewers in Athens and, curiously, Tbilisi toasted the shared name, proving that nationalism can be outsourced if the flag colors match.
2. Michigan 45, Rutgers 17
Jim Harbaugh’s squad ran the ball so relentlessly that EU regulators briefly considered classifying it as a hostile takeover. Somewhere in Brussels, a bureaucrat sighed, “If only we could impose tariffs on play-action.”
3. Ohio State 37, Notre Dame 17
The Fighting Irish imported a quarterback from the Republic of California but still couldn’t export any dignity. Dublin pubs aired the game at 2 a.m. local time; Guinness sales rose 12 percent, mostly from ironic toasting.
4. Texas 40, Kansas 14
Longhorns fans celebrated like they’d just discovered another oil patch, blissfully unaware that Brent crude futures dipped on the news—markets assume any Texas joy is transitory.
5. Florida State 31, Clemson 24 in OT
The Seminoles extended their unbeaten streak and the global supply chain of “Florida Man” headlines. Sydney newspapers ran the box score next to a crocodile evacuation notice; no one could tell which was the sport.
6. Washington 42, Arizona 33
Michael Penix Jr. threw for more yards than the annual GDP of Tuvalu. Tuvalu, meanwhile, asked if it could trade citizenship for an offensive line.
7. Oregon 55, Stanford 10
The Cardinal were outscored by a margin greater than the Swiss franc’s annual fluctuation. Zurich financiers filed the tape under “speculative shorting strategies.”
8. Alabama 34, Tennessee 20
Nick Saban collected another win and another strand of gray hair. Scientists in Geneva confirmed that each Crimson Tide victory accelerates entropy by 0.0003 percent—statistically insignificant but poetically satisfying.
9. USC 50, Colorado 28
Shedeur Sanders absorbed so many hits that the Red Cross issued a travel advisory. Boulder’s cannabis dispensaries reported record sales, proving once again that legal weed is America’s most honest pain-management plan.
10. Penn State 33, UMass 7
A mismatch so lopsided it was briefly mistaken for a UN Security Council vote.
11. North Carolina 41, Miami 31
Tar Heels fans celebrated like they’d fixed the student-loan crisis. They haven’t.
12. Oklahoma 31, Iowa State 24
The Sooners won and promptly applied for SEC membership, a geopolitical pivot that makes Turkey’s NATO flirtations look subtle.
13. LSU 42, Army 10
Les Tigers turned West Point’s triple-option into an optional extra. Somewhere in the Kremlin, a general noted, “See, tanks alone don’t work.”
14. Utah 34, Southern Cal (again) 32
Two ranked Pac-12 teams entered, one left with playoff hopes and the other with a travel itinerary to the Holiday Bowl, collegiate football’s version of purgatory.
15. Duke 24, Florida 3
The Blue Devils sacked the Gators so often that environmentalists registered it as wetland reclamation.
16. Louisville 38, Virginia Tech 21
Cardinals fans rejoiced, blissfully unaware their basketball arena is still paying off last decade’s moral debt.
17. Kentucky 33, Missouri 27
Mark Stoops earned a raise that could end famine in three mid-sized nations, but sure, let’s keep calling this “amateurism.”
18. Kansas State 38, TCU 28
The Wildcats avenged last year’s heartbreak, reminding us that revenge, like coffee, is best served bitter and over-caffeinated.
19. Notre Dame (again) 48, Pittsburgh 7
Because one humiliation per weekend is never enough for the Irish diaspora.
20. James Madison 45, Georgia State 33
The Dukes keep winning in their first FBS season, proving that disruption isn’t just for Silicon Valley layoffs.
21. Fresno State 27, Wyoming 17
Mountain West football: where the air is thin and the NFL dreams thinner.
22. Air Force 31, Navy 21
A patriotic three-hour recruitment ad with better halftime entertainment than the actual armed forces.
23. Toledo 21, Western Michigan 17
MACtion so pure it could be smuggled across borders as artisanal chaos.
24. Liberty 38, UAB 27
Named after a concept currently on back order in several countries.
25. Coastal Carolina 42, Georgia Southern 28
The Chanticleers secured bowl eligibility, ensuring ESPN+ subscribers in Singapore still have something to gamble on at 3 a.m.
Globally, these 25 results matter less than a butterfly sneeze in the Amazon, yet they dominate bandwidth from Lagos sports bars to Tokyo betting apps. Why? Because humans, regardless of passport, adore controlled chaos with commercial breaks. The scores export Americana like McDonald’s, but with more concussions and slightly fewer calories.
In the end, the planet keeps spinning—though slightly wobblier after all those marching bands—and we file these tallies under “Bread and Circuses, NCAA Edition.” Until next Saturday, when the cycle reboots and the world again pretends it has better things to do than watch unpaid labor chase an oblate spheroid beneath fighter-jet flyovers. Spoiler: it doesn’t.
