**Boise’s Golden Ticket: How Ashton Jeanty Became the World’s Most Overqualified Tourist Attraction** *By our correspondent who still can’t believe American football is called “football”* GENEVA—In a world where nuclear powers trade barbs on social media and central banks treat inflation like a drunk uncle at Christmas, the global economy has found its newest safe-haven…
**The Grand Illusion: Tom Brady and the Global Theater of American Exceptionalism** In the pantheon of modern deities, where cryptocurrency evangelists rub shoulders with vaccine prophets and wellness gurus, Tom Brady stands as perhaps America’s most perfectly engineered false god—a man whose greatest achievement was convincing the world that throwing an oddly-shaped ball constitutes meaningful…
When the Detroit Lions finally clawed their way to a playoff win after 32 years, the man they hoisted like a victorious warlord was Dan Campbell—former third-string tight end, Texan carnivore, and living embodiment of the phrase “run through a wall for this guy.” To the rest of the planet, a Midwestern American football coach…
Wednesday Season 3: The Global Hysteria Index Hits 11 While the Calendar Keeps Shrugging By L. Dagny Serrano, Senior Cynic-at-Large Somewhere between the IMF’s latest downgrade of world GDP and the moment a North Korean diplomat accidentally liked a thirst-tweet about Jenna Ortega, Netflix quietly admitted what every binge-addicted jurisdiction already suspected: Wednesday Season 3…
From the Desk of Dave’s International Bureau, Somewhere Over the Atlantic— While COP29 delegates in Baku argued over commas in a footnote on methane, the real existential drama played out under portable LED masts in the American Midwest. Friday night in Iowa—population three million, hog-to-human ratio negotiable—high-school football scores flickered across the Twittersphere with the…
Tanner Scott and the Global Metronome of Baseball’s Arms Race By Dave’s Locker Correspondent in Exile, somewhere over the Atlantic The first time Tanner Scott’s slider detonated on international radar was not on ESPN’s highlight reel but on a grainy Taiwanese KBO stream that kept buffering like a Cold-War telex. Somewhere in Seoul, a bleary-eyed…
Joe Jonas: The Last American Pop Export Standing Between Us and Total Global Meltdown By Lila Verdier, Dave’s Locker International Desk (currently filing from a windowless press-cubicle somewhere over the Baltic) Back when the Arctic still had ice and Twitter was merely a hell-site instead of a geopolitical weapon, Joe Jonas was just another Disney-forged…
PARIS—Somewhere between the Seine and the Seine-et-Marne, a pensioner is binge-watching Turkish telenovelas at 3 a.m., an Algerian student in Belleville is streaming the latest Korean zombie series on the same account as her cousin in Montréal, and a gilet-jaune protestor is catching up on “Squid Game” on his phone while waiting for the CRS…
Teair Tart: The 315-Pound Canary in the Global Coal Mine By Dave’s Locker, International Affairs Desk On paper, Teair Tart is just an American football player—a 6’2″, 315-pound defensive tackle who recently signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after stints with the Tennessee Titans and the Los Angeles Chargers. In practice, however, Tart has become…
Baltimore, Maryland – Somewhere between the crab-cake stands and the rusted-out steel cranes that once propped up an empire, the Orioles scored six runs last night. Six. A modest tally by the steroid-addled standards of modern baseball, yet in the grand bazaar of global affairs it landed with the discreet thud of a diplomatic cable…
The last time the planet’s collective pulse spiked in unison, it wasn’t the Fed raising rates or a North Korean missile test—it was the trailer for “The Beekeeper,” in which Jason Statham, age-melting like a budget Bond, detonates a call-center scam ring with the moral clarity of a man who’s never waited on hold with…
Vince Vaughn, the 6-foot-5 human reminder that the 1990s never really ended, has lately been spotted on diplomatic red carpets from Berlin to Bangkok. This is less a career pivot than a symptom of our times: when the world tilts toward chaos, it apparently appoints a fast-talking Midwesterner as its comic relief attaché. The man…
