AirPods Pro 3: The World’s Newest Passport to Oblivion By Miles Blackstone, International Affairs Desk, Dave’s Locker GENEVA—In the shadow of the Jet d’Eau, where diplomats still argue about carbon ceilings they’ll never meet, Apple quietly slipped another sliver of white plastic into humanity’s collective ear canal. The AirPods Pro 3, unveiled yesterday in a…
Hasbro: How a Rhode Island Toymaker Became the Soft-Power Emperor of a Planet on the Brink By the time the first Ukrainian kid unpacked a donated box containing a My Little Pony action figure still labeled in Cyrillic for the Moscow market, the cosmic joke was already complete. Somewhere in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, a middle…
McDonald’s Monopoly: How a French Fry Bribe Became a Global Morality Play By Dave’s Locker International Desk From Manila to Manchester, the same ritual unfolds every autumn: otherwise rational citizens queue for lukewarm nuggets in the hope that the paper sleeve will cough up a Boardwalk sticker and finance their escape from late-stage capitalism. Welcome…
Cupertino, California – The iPhone 17 was unveiled yesterday beneath an LED sky the color of a corporate sunrise, and within minutes the planet performed its annual synchronized swoon. From Lagos to Lahore, Berlin to Bogotá, the same ritual unfolded: thumbs hovering above “Add to Cart,” credit-card limits quietly recalculated, and a billion screens refreshed…
CUPERTINO, California — On a Tuesday morning that felt suspiciously like a Wednesday everywhere else, Apple once again summoned the planet’s press corps, influencers, and sleep-deprived analysts to a glass-and-aluminum temple of consumer desire. The occasion: another “special event,” which, in the argot of Silicon Valley, translates loosely to “a live infomercial with better lighting…
Apple iPhone 17 Pro: The Global Countdown to a Pocket-Sized Infinity Gauntlet CUPERTINO, 02:47 a.m. Pacific—While most of humanity was still arguing about whose fault it is that the planet is on fire, Apple quietly booked every cargo jet between Shenzhen and Luxembourg for mid-September 2026. That, dear reader, is the whisper-network consensus for the…
Horror Nights Tickets: The Global Scramble to Pay for the Privilege of Being Terrified By D. Locke, Senior Correspondent & Professional Glutton for Punishment If you want proof that the human race has officially run out of real problems to solve, consider this: horror-nights tickets—those overpriced wristbands that grant you entry to pop-up mazes where…
Deestroying: The Global Art of Making Nothing From Everything Paris, 03:42 a.m. local time – Somewhere between the Seine and the 24-hour pâtisserie that will eventually outlive us all, a city worker in a hi-viz vest is feeding another perfectly functional park bench into an orange shredder. The bench was installed last spring. It will…
Good Morning, World: How “GMA Deals & Steals” Became the Soft Power Bargain Basement of the 21st Century By Henrietta “Hank” Delacroix, Senior Correspondent, Dave’s Locker NEW YORK—While the United Nations Security Council bickers over commas in draft resolutions, a far more efficient form of geopolitics is unfolding at 8:07 a.m. Eastern inside a Times…
iPhone 17: Because the Planet Wasn’t Dystopian Enough Already By Our Correspondent in a Bunker Somewhere Neutral-ish GENEVA—Apple’s marketing department, fresh from convincing half the Northern Hemisphere that “courage” means removing headphone jacks, has now confirmed the iPhone 17 will launch this autumn in a palette of colors named after endangered species. (Arctic Fox White…
