The Eternal Recurrence of Sky-Blue Sisyphus: A Global Timeline of Manchester City vs Burnley, 2010-2024 by Our Correspondent in Exile, somewhere between Doha and a dodgy VPN I. 2010–2012: The Pre-Cambrian Era In the ancient days before sovereign wealth funds monetised the concept of nostalgia, Burnley still believed they could beat City on merit. A…
Leeds United vs AFC Bournemouth: A Timeline for People Who Think the World Is Ending but Still Check the Scores By D. M. Locker, International Sports Desk Somewhere between the collapse of Arctic sea ice and the announcement that your favorite streaming service now costs the same as a monthly bus pass, Leeds United and…
Strasbourg FC: The Alsatian Canary in Football’s Global Coal Mine By Dave’s Locker European Correspondent (currently hiding from the Yellow Vests in a half-timbered bar) The world is busy rehearsing its next apocalypse—trade wars, AI uprisings, the return of fascism as a lifestyle brand—yet somewhere between the Rhine and the Vosges, a modest French club…
Terrell Williams and the Accidental Global Revolution Nobody Signed Up For By Our Correspondent in a Café That Still Accepts Cash PARIS—Somewhere between the third espresso and the fourth existential crisis, the bartender leaned in and whispered, “You heard about Terrell Williams?” The name, apparently, has become a kind of international shibboleth: say it in…
A Variant by Any Other Name: The World’s Latest Microscopic Plot Twist By Our Bureau of Recurrent Déjà Vu GENEVA — Just when you thought the planet had finally exhausted its supply of novelty, Virology’s favorite franchise has dropped Season Four, episode “XBB.2.3.1-π” (pronunciation optional, fear mandatory). The World Health Organization, whose travel budget now…
Jasmine Paolini, the 5’4″ Italian who punches above her weight class and below the net-cord, is presently the best proof that the universe occasionally enjoys a good underdog story—provided it’s scheduled between a geopolitical meltdown and a climate catastrophe. While diplomats in Brussels bicker over whose turn it is to save the euro and the…
Porto: Europe’s Forgotten Belle Finds New Suitors—Again By our correspondent, still nursing an espresso and a grudge in the Ribeira They arrive in droves now—Singaporean venture scouts, Californian angel investors, Berlin art-school dropouts with a blockchain for bacalhau—descending on Portugal’s second city like bargain hunters who’ve just heard the outlet mall is giving away free…
Chuba Hubbard, the Canadian running back whose name sounds like a Bond villain’s accountant, is having a moment. While the NFL’s global marketing department is busy slapping team logos on cricket bats in Mumbai and bao buns in Shanghai, Hubbard quietly reminds the world that the league’s future passport stamps might actually be earned between…
Amazon’s $8.5 Million Prime Settlement: The World Watches a Subscription Circus Pack Up Its Tent International Correspondent: Dave’s Locker, Geneva Bureau The news arrived on a Tuesday—because bad news always prefers Tuesdays, when the coffee’s lukewarm and hope has already filed for bankruptcy. Amazon, the digital colossus that once promised to deliver everything from A…
Kobe Bryant Is Still the World’s Most Overqualified Ghost The helicopter came down on a fog-soft hillside in Calabasas, California, but the impact reverberated from Manila’s midnight basketball courts to Lagos traffic jams where hawkers still sell bootleg Lakers jerseys like Vatican relics. Kobe Bean Bryant—five-time NBA champion, Oscar winner, alleged rapist, youth-academy benefactor, #GirlDad…
Messi: The Last Messiah of a Dying Sport By our man in the cheap seats, Buenos Aires → Doha → Everywhere When Lionel Messi finally hoisted that gold-plated egg-on-a-stick in Lusail, half the planet exhaled while the other half checked how much the moment had inflated their crypto-betting slips. Argentina’s 4-2 penalty farce against France…
Payton Tolle and the Global Butterfly Effect: Why One Wichita State Pitcher Now Owns a Piece of Your Pension Fund By the time most Europeans were stirring their second espresso on Monday, a 21-year-old right-hander in Kansas had already yanked the international capital markets into a mild tizzy. Payton Tolle—surname pronounced, regrettably, like the German…
