Mariners Score: One Run, Nine Innings, and the Entire Planet Holding Its Breath By Dave’s Locker Global Correspondent SEATTLE, EARTH—Somewhere between the Boeing fuselage graveyard and the world’s last functional espresso machine, the Seattle Mariners eked out a 3-2 victory over the Toronto Blue Jays last night. The box score reads like a haiku: three…
The Aegean, that sun-drenched paddling pool where Western civilisation first learned to charge admission, has started charging an exit fee. A 5.2-magnitude earthquake rattled Rhodes on Tuesday, followed by a 4.8 encore off Crete on Wednesday—prompting a continent that usually only notices Greece when its ATMs cough politely to remember that geology, unlike the EU,…
The planet did not stop spinning when the Chicago Bears announced that wide receiver DJ Moore had sustained a lower-body injury during a routine practice in Lake Forest, Illinois. Stock markets from Lagos to London stayed open, container ships continued stacking themselves like oversized Lego in the Suez Canal, and the International Monetary Fund still…
Borderlands 4: An Atlas of Global Dysfunction, Now With 300% More Explosions By A. Correspondent, filing from an undisclosed server farm that smells faintly of gunpowder and unpaid overtime Somewhere between a Mongolian copper mine that doubles as a TikTok backdrop and a Frankfurt boardroom where executives argue over loot-box legislation, the planet paused yesterday…
Ro Khanna, the U.S. Congressman from Silicon Valley, has become the West’s unlikely answer to the multipolar riddle: how do you keep talking about human rights while your iPhone is still warm from the Foxconn womb? From Berlin to Bengaluru, diplomats now keep a tab open on Khanna’s Twitter feed the way Cold War Kremlinologists…
The planet, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that the most pressing export from the United States this season is not microchips, democracy, or even another streaming series about morally flexible hedge-fund managers, but rather the salty effusion of one 27-year-old defensive end named Josh Sweat. From Lagos traffic jams to the fjords of Norway,…
From Apia to Abu Dhabi: Jey Uso’s Slow-Motion Rebellion as a Global Mood Ring The first time I watched Jey Uso shoulder-check Roman Reigns on a grainy stream in Nairobi, the power flickered twice—once for the city’s aging grid, once for the narrative earthquake rippling outward from Tampa. Half the planet away, a cousin in…
Blake Cashman and the Geopolitics of a Tackle By our man in the cheap seats, watching empires collapse between downs Houston—While diplomats in Vienna argue over the exact placement of commas in a nuclear treaty, 6’1″, 235-pound Blake Cashman was busy rerouting the AFC South hierarchy with nothing more than a helmet and the sort…
Denise Richards and the Geopolitics of the Celebrity Cameo By Matteo Cruel, Senior Correspondent for Dave’s Locker, filing from a hotel bar in Geneva where the Wi-Fi is slower than the Geneva Conventions. When the United Nations finally appoints its first Special Envoy for Low-Stakes Spectacle, the short list will begin and end with Denise…
Davante Adams and the Geopolitics of a Mid-Season Trade Request By Diego “Still Jet-Lagged” Morales, Senior Correspondent, Dave’s Locker International Desk Marrakech—If you want to understand the modern world, ignore Davos communiqués and watch an NFL wide receiver’s Instagram story at 3 a.m. local time. That is precisely when Davante Adams—Las Vegas’s highest-paid tourist attraction…
Adam Thielen and the Global Apostrophe Crisis By our man in the cheap seats, somewhere over the Atlantic In the grand geopolitical sweep of 2024—where BRICS nations flirt with ditching the dollar, AI prophets promise either utopia or annihilation, and your toaster now demands a firmware update—Adam Thielen’s career arc should register as a footnote….
Call them what you will—emirates, sheikhdoms, pocket kingdoms with a flag and a runway—the seven siblings stitched together by the late Sheikh Zayed into what we now politely call the United Arab Emirates have improbably become the world’s most efficient laboratory for the question: “Just how far can you stretch the adage ‘fake it till…
